Further Adventures in Coupling
by bluecinderella4
Summary: What happened after where we last left off in Coupling? Better summary inside, trust me. Rating is obviously not gonna be anything lower than T. Title sucks, I know I'm not good at coming up with titles
1. Meeting Joshua

**Name's Jenna, how ya doin'? Okay I'm gonna admit I'm not British and I don't watch much British TV. However, I am familiar with the works of Mr. Steven Moffat and this series (both the British and American version). As much as I love this show it doesn't seem to have a big fandom (though I wish it did) and I thought that maybe I could contribute something to it.**

**This idea probably came when I asked myself "I wonder what ever happened to Patrick and Sally after the series ended". I love their characters and I love that pairing and we got left on a serious cliffhanger with them. Yeah I would've loved to have seen a (most likely humorously disastrous) wedding for them and I'm beyond curious as to what would happen if Sally became pregnant. That doesn't mean I'm not curious about the other characters too. What about Steve and Susan and their adventures in parenting? Would things work out between Jane and Oliver? Could Jeff return and what would happen if he did?**

**Okay, okay yeah I suppose Moffat did answer those questions. I actually learned this a little after I outlined this fanfic and was slightly satisfied with his answers.***

***I can't give out the actual link. Googling 'outpost gallifrey coupling' helps too because it's the first link.**

**And even though I do like where he went with his ideas, I also have some of my own and that's why this fanfic is here. These are just my ideas, mind you, and I own absolutely nothing. Actually the name of Susan and Steve's baby isn't my idea; if you actually read at the end of the final episode they credit "Baby Joshua" (most likely in reference to Moffat's real life son Joshua).**

**Enough prolonging: let's start this story.**

* * *

_Previously on _Coupling

To keep a long story short: everyone got lucky that night. Steve and Susan welcomed their first child, a healthy baby boy they named Joshua. After carefully considering her options, Sally had agreed to marry Patrick on the condition that they have a "proper" marriage proposal do-over. And Oliver, well he did get lucky in the way you would expect when he visited with Jane that evening…though that didn't last very long. Even Jeff had managed to secure himself a flight home from Lesbos and surprise his friends.

So it's only best that we begin there.

**…**

"Are you absolutely sure you want to go through with the name 'Joshua'?" Steve questioned Susan.

Sitting upright on the bed in the recovery room Susan let out an annoyed sigh. "Yes, Steve, I'm absolutely sure. What's wrong with that name?"

"I didn't say there was anything wrong with it."

"You certainly seem to be implying it."

"It's just…I don't know. I've got this nagging sensation that maybe the name's not good enough for him."

"Well you weren't exactly a big help with naming options. In the end we both sort of gave up and settled on Joshua. I don't see anything wrong with the name: Joshua Walker Taylor." Susan smiled as she thought about their nearly hour old son being taken care of in the nursery. "I don't think we could've chosen a better name."

"It's not that I don't like it. But I don't really know of any successful Joshuas out there."

"Then he can be one of the rare ones."

"Susan-"

"Is it really the name that's bothering you Steve?" Susan gestured for him to sit on the bed with her, which he did. "You're like this from time to time. Whenever something's eating at you you pick at something else to devoid others from discovering what's really the matter."

Steve let out a little laugh and smiled at his fiancée. "You know me well." He sighed. "Okay the truth is…I'm scared of him."

Susan's eyes widened in confusion. "You're scared of a baby? A baby?"

"Not when you put it like that! I'm scared of the responsibilities that come with that baby."

"So you're scared of being a father?"

Steve processed what Susan had just said. "I s'pose so."

Susan patted his hand in comfort. "And I'm scared of being a mother. I have the same worries as you. But all that matters is that we love and care for him and try to make his life as normal as possible." They kissed each other. "We'll get through this."

"You're right." Steve paused in thought. "But is his life honestly going to be normal with friends like ours?"

"I think he'll be fine…just so long as we don't leave him alone with Jane."

**…**

Oliver was slouching at Jane's table over a plate of burnt toast clearly upset about something. Jane was sitting across from him reading the latest _National Enquirer_ with legitimate fascination when she managed to sneak a glance at Oliver. "Look if you're upset with the way the toast came out it's not entirely my fault. It's difficult to make toast without a toaster; I'm not used to making it with an oven. Granted it's been a little over a year or so but it's hard to have breakfast when you're sneaking out of another man's flat before he leaves for work in the morning or before his wife gets home."

"It's not the toast," Oliver solemnly stated.

"Oh are you still upset about the…oh what the devil do they call it…the…Melty Man?"

Oliver looked up at her in shock. "You know about the Melty Man?"

"Oh sure," Jane nodded as she flipped a page in the magazine. "Steve had compiled a notebook of 'Jeffisms' and that was one of the few terms I've come across. I don't know why you're so uptight about this; this has happened to me before you know." Oliver slumped his head down onto the table. "Maybe this is some sort of sign that we're not meant to be together."

Oliver lifted his head. "You think so?" He raised his eyebrows with a hint of suspicion. "Have you used that line on guys before?"

"Oh sure lots of times," Oliver moaned and slumped his head down again, "but it's usually true." She continued reading. "Oh look at this: baby born with eyes in the back of its head." She remembered something. "Huh, Steve and Susan haven't phoned yet about their baby. Do you think we should've heard something from them by now? It shouldn't take that long to have a baby should it?"

"How the hell should I know that?" Oliver mumbled back.

"Everything I've learned about childbirth stemmed from watching television and it usually takes thirty minutes or at most an hour and a half."

Oliver looked up at her. "Everything you learned from childbirth you learned from television?"

"Yes, how else am I supposed to learn about it?"

"You know what; I'm not going to comment on that! I'm not going to comment on anything you say anymore."

"Oh," Jane smiled, "look at us. Here we are having our first fight as a couple."

"But…but…" Oliver was doing a double take at this point. "Jane, you just said not even a minute ago that we're not meant to be together."

Jane scowled at him. "So we're breaking up then?"

"What?!" Oliver was beyond confused at this point- though this was a pretty typical thing to people who knew Jane. Letting out a noise of exasperation, he stood up and fetched his coat. "I've got to go open the shop now. I suppose I'll come back later…though I'm not entirely sure of what just happened."

Lovey-dovey Jane had returned at this point. "I'll see you later, Darling." Oliver left her apartment completely confused by what had transpired. Jane went back to her magazine. "Hmm, further studies prove that Shakespeare was a woman," she read more on that subject until her mobile rang. "Hello."

"_Hello Jane."_

"Steve? Well it's about bloody time you called. I take it the baby arrived?"

"_Yes he was born nearly an hour ago."_

"Oh it's a he? Does he have a name?"

"_Joshua."_

Jane made a face (though Steve couldn't see). "Used to know a guy named Joshua, was rubbish in bed. Never amounted to anything either."

"_Thank you Jane. Anyway Susan asked me to telephone our friends to let them know that the baby is here and you're welcome to come to the hospital and visit."_

"I just might do that. Just think, Auntie Jane off to see the new baby, it's so exciting! Ooh, have you chosen godparents yet?"

"_No, Jane, you are not the child's godmother."_

"I can't say I'm a little stung by that. But I'm sure you'll have another one and you can make me godmother to that one; ooh, and it'll hopefully be a girl."

"_Goodbye Jane."_

**…**

Even though they weren't technically engaged, Patrick and Sally still celebrated their near engagement that even and by morning Sally was fast asleep in his arms. They had every intention of staying like that even as one of their mobiles rang.

"I think it's mine," Patrick whispered as they kept their eyes closed.

"Maybe you ought to answer it," Sally suggested.

"It's probably just Steve or Susan phoning us about their baby. It's no big deal."

"No big deal?" Sally freed himself from his warm embrace and sat upright in his bed. "Our friends have just had their first child together."

Patrick propped himself up with his elbow to continue this conversation. "And? It's just a birth. So they had a baby, so what?" Sally just stared at him with her mouth agape. "Don't get me wrong I am happy for them. They're our closest friends; but honestly we're going to be seeing them with their kid practically every day."

"Yes, but I want personal confirmation."

"Personal confirmation of what?"

"That I am the godmother to my best friend's first born child. You must know these things directly after it happens."

"Why?"

"They're going to have a christening aren't they?" Patrick shrugged. "If I'm the godmother I'm going to be standing up there for all to see and I want to have just the right dress on. I must explore my wardrobe options for events like those."

"Even if they do have one it won't be for a while. And who's to say you even are the godmother?"

"It's inevitable. Susan is my best friend, I am on good terms with Steve, and…I'm…I'm godmotherly."

"Is that even a word?"

Sally rolled her eyes. "Shall we talk about something else?"

"Shall we not talk about anything instead?"

"Patrick!"

Patrick sighed. "Alright Sally, what do you want to talk about?"

"How long have you had that ring? I want the truth."

"Truth?" Sally nodded. Patrick took her hand in his, "I bought it right after that night I opted to stay with you instead of going on that golfing trip."

"Did you really?"

"Of course I did. I don't think I've ever wanted to be with a woman as much as I wanted to be with you." Sally felt tears well up in her eyes, but Patrick wiped them away. "I didn't want to ask you right away in case I scared you off or something."

"Oh Patrick," Sally sniffled. "I want to be with you too."

"So…will you marry me then?"

Sally's expression became ire. "You're proposing to me now?"

"So that's a no?"

"Patrick Maitland this is not a proposal!"

"But…but what about all that romantic junk I just said?"

"What you said was romantic but now is not the proper time to ask me to marry you?"

"When is the proper time then?"

"Well when we're not naked in bed for one!"

"What could be more romantic than being naked in bed? It's natural!"

Sally seemed to have ignored that and continued on. "Of course the proposal must be unexpected but it must also be a romantic atmosphere complete with the romantic words. While you had the words the atmosphere was clearly unromantic."

"How do you envision your proposal then?"

"I can't tell you!"

"Why not?"

"Because then I would see it coming. A woman's proposal must be all her man's idea."

"This is gonna require some thinking then isn't it?"

"Just so long as we get married before Susan does."

"Why?"

"Susan gets first pick of everything and usually gets the best. I demand to be first at something! If that means rushing to the altar so be it. I will be married before Susan."

"So why didn't you just agree to marry me when I asked you?"

They were interrupted by the ringing of Sally's mobile. The romantic mood dead by this point, Sally answered her phone. "Hello."

"_Sally, it's Susan."_

"Susan, I was just about to phone. You had the baby then?"

"_Not even a full hour ago."_

"And I am the godmother right?"

"_You're not at all curious if it's a boy or girl."_

"I can figure that out on my own; so am I godmother or not?"

"_Yes, Sally."_

Sally brushed her hair back with a sense of satisfaction. "This is a pleasant surprise. Thank you Susan, I'm honored to be your child's godmother."

"_I had a son by the way. His name is Joshua."_

"Well I would have known that when I got to the hospital, wouldn't I?" There was a click, followed by a tone on the other end. "Hello? Susan? Hello?"

**…**

Later in the afternoon when all was settled down and Baby Joshua was back with his parents, the four friends had decided to visit in a group.

Patrick knocked on their door and popped his head in. "You up for some company?"

"Sure, come on in," Susan approved.

Patrick stood back and opened the door and the women entered first, then Oliver and Patrick.

"Aww!" Sally and Jane were in awe as they moved closer to Susan and the baby.

"Well done, mate," Patrick congratulated Steve as he and Oliver stood behind the proud papa.

"My God he looks just like Steve," Sally commented.

"Do you mean that in a good or bad way?" Steve asked for clarification.

"Good way, I promise. Can I hold him?"

"Of course," Susan gingerly passed the infant to her best friend, "mind his head though."

Sally carefully held the newborn and gave him a sort of quick inspection. "It's hard to believe he's here now." She looked down at the baby. "Hi there, I'm your Auntie Sally. My you've got a full head of hair don't you? God, I can't wait until you're old enough for me to do your hair." Patrick couldn't help but smile as he watched Sally interact with the baby. He wasn't quite sure why, but something about that image of Sally holding a baby seemed right to him. Sally turned to Jane and handed Joshua to her. "There you are Jane."

Much to everyone's surprise, Jane held the baby with delicacy as if she'd done it before. "Oh my God he does look like Steve. He's going to be quite the looker when he gets older. Would it be considered a taboo to have sex with him when he's an adult?"

"Jane!" Steve was appalled.

"It's an honest question."

"Never ask it again."

"Sorry."

"Too late, moment killed."

"Consider it a compliment on your part. I don't think I'd consider sleeping with him in adulthood if he looked like Susan." Jane slowly walked toward Oliver because he was next in the sort of line. "Mind his head, Oliver."

"I've never held a baby before," Oliver confessed as he adjusted Joshua in his arms. "Feels kinda weird; do I really have to hold him?"

"Not if you don't want to," Susan assured.

"Thank you," he handed the baby to Steve, who was beside him.

"Patrick, do you want to hold him?" Steve asked.

Patrick shrugged. "Sure, why not." Once Steve placed Joshua in Patrick's arms, the newborn began crying at the top of his lungs. "Here," he quickly handed the baby back to Steve. "What did I do different?"

"Maybe he doesn't like you," Jane point blankly answered. Her only response was some rather bothered looking glares. "Being honest."

There was another knock on the door followed by the door slightly opening and that friend sticking his head in. "Room for one more?"

"Jeff!" Steve quickly gave the baby to Susan and got up to hug his friend. After the hug, he gave his friend a brief look over. "You're not a woman."

"Um…neither are you Steve."

"But when I saw you yesterday you had breasts…and were lactating. You looked like my fourth year maths teacher."

"How big were my breasts?"

"Darling," Susan began, "don't you think that seeing a female Jeff was all a dream?"

Steve thought that through. "It does seem more probable."

"No seriously Steve how big were my breasts?" Jeff repeated his question.

"So Jeff when did you get back?" Patrick changed the subject.

"Oh I just got back a few minutes ago. I rented a car, put all my stuff in it, and drove here to see my new godson. I didn't 'spect to see all of you here." He was looking specifically at Oliver.

"Hi I'm Oliver Morris," Oliver introduced himself. "I've heard lots about you Jeff."

"Likewise. Good to see the rest of you too. So, can I hold him?"

"Sure Jeff," Susan carefully passed the infant to Jeff, who also seemed at ease when holding a newborn.

"Whoa this feels weird; don't think I've ever held a baby before. I think he's smiling at me."

Steve looked at the baby. "No, it's just gas. Made that same face earlier, got that same response from the nurse."

"I'm just surprised he didn't scream his lungs out when I held him."

"He didn't scream when Jane held him either."

"He's just been a perfect little angel," Susan commentated.

"Um excuse me," Patrick garnered everyone's attention, "he screamed bloody murder when I held him."

"I'm sure it was nothing. Jeff, hand the baby to Patrick." Jeff shrugged and did what Susan instructed. Once the baby was in Patrick's arms, he cried. "Here, give him to me."

"No, he stopped crying when I handed him to his dad," Patrick spoke over the wailing. "He'd probably do the same if I handed him to his mum. Here Jeff, take him." He quickly gave the baby back to Jeff and instantly Joshua started crying. "Oh bloody hell!"

"I guess it is you."

"Oh but when I said that I got dirty looks," Jane lamented.

"Sally, can we go now?" Patrick sort of whined this to his girlfriend.

"Alright Darling, we'll go," Sally replied before giving Susan a gentle hug. "I'll see you soon." Sally looked down at the baby. "And I'll see you too you adorable little thing you," Sally planted a sweet kiss on his forehead. "Well, bye everyone," Sally waved goodbye to the rest of the adults as she headed toward the door- which Patrick was already standing by.

"I s'pose I better get back to _Hellmouth's_," Oliver was referring to his place of business. "I put up the sign for a ten minute break and I think I overdid it," he couldn't help but let out a small laugh at his weak joke. "Jane, do you need a lift?"

"No thank you," Jane declined. "My date should be arriving any moment."

"Date?"

"I couldn't help but bump into a gorgeous nurse and we made dinner plans."

Jeff's eyes went wide with excitement and he tried to maintain composure. "Nurse, eh?"

"Male nurse, Jeff," Steve spoke.

"No, she's a female," Jane corrected. This resulted in a sort of odd, intrigued moan from both Jeff and Oliver. "Remember Oliver she was that blonde one with the eye shadow and the hourglass figure."

"Hello nurse," Jeff referenced a popular American cartoon.

"You made a date with someone else?" Oliver asked for clarification.

"A woman too."

Jane sort of gave a pout and her typical thinking twitch before speaking. "Well seeing as though we're not together-"

Oliver was back to being confused. "What?"

"We broke up after our fight this morning."

"I didn't even know you two were officially together," Susan noted.

"Neither did I!" Oliver responded back.

Jeff let out a sort of chortle. "Well she's with another lady now so-"

"Thank you Jeff!" Steve did this to get Jeff to stop talking about this.

"Regardless," Jane stood up to leave, "her shift is over soon and I promised to meet her at some club. Congratulations on the new baby," Jane gave a hug to Susan and Steve. "Don't want to be late for my date."

Oliver was still dumbfounded. "What just happened?"

"There are things that aren't right with her," Steve replied. "I'm sorry things didn't work out with you and Jane then."

"Right, right," Oliver was still uncertain of what just transpired.

"But in case she sneaks into your flat tonight for sex don't be so surprised."

"Okay then. I'm going to go now." Oliver left as quickly as he could.

"I can go too right?" Jeff asked.

"If you'd like," Steve informed.

"I'm going to try and get my job and my apartment back," Jeff explained as he handed Joshua back to Susan.

"Good luck with that."

"Jeff," Susan started to speak, "you do know that Julia isn't our boss anymore?"

"What? No," clearly this came as a surprise to Jeff.

"She officially stepped down a few months ago and gave the job to Tim Freeman."

"Tim Freeman? Well, I guess that's a good thing he was a hard working bloke. Right, I'm gonna go see about getting my job back. Congrats on the new baby and what not." Jeff gave his friends a quick hug, gave a small wave to the baby, and then left to go about his business.

Steve closed the door and sat beside Susan. "Guess it's just the two of us."

"Three of us," Susan reminded him of the baby's presence.

"Right, right, three of us, sorry. God, I can't believe we have a baby now."

"Neither can I."

"Should we discuss marriage then?"

"Not now Steve."

"But we have a baby now."

"So? Just because we have a baby doesn't mean we have to get married. We've got a good thing going now why jinx it right away?"

"Should we at least get married before a proper christening?"

"Let's not worry about this now, Darling. I put the baby in the bassinet for a nap; I suggest we take in a nap while we can." Susan made some room for Steve to join her on the hospital bed.

"You're probably right," Steve climbed onto the bed beside her. "I love you."

"I love you too." Not even a full minute after closing their eyes, Joshua started crying. "Right then, you take care of that."

* * *

**I had no idea when/where/how to end this. I tried to picture this like an actual episode and I might've overdid it in length, I'm not entirely sure. It's kind of hard to keep in continuity with everything when the show ended eight years ago. So if anyone seems OOC or I mess up with continuity please let me know.**

**So, how am I doing?**


	2. Comical Candle Conversations

**Sorry, I had a severe bout of writer's block. Most of it due to what to incorporate in just one chapter to make it at least as long as the previous chapter; honestly, I didn't think I'd get so much accomplished in the first chapter. Where to go from there? I figured logically I could jump around a bit time wise. This chapter takes place at least six months later. But if you do skip around with time, it's best to make up little crap here and there that happened in the missing time period.**

**Hope that makes sense.**

**Also, this chapter is a tad shorter than the last one. I hope nobody minds and there's a better explanation why at the end.**

* * *

"And there they are," Jeff was regaling the gents with a tale from his last day in Lesbos, "there was Chrissie with the one leg and the Hebrew girl whose name I thought was 'breasts'."

Oliver didn't know about these women and was visibly confused. "What?"

"They're both long stories, Oliver. Anyway Chrissie and the Hebrew girl are standing in my apartment face to face with me. Naturally, they both recognized me."

"What did you do?"

"What any other man would do in that situation...I ran out of there as fast as I could."

Steve couldn't help but shudder after Jeff finished telling the story. "That sounds awful."

Patrick finished swallowing his Guinness before he added his take on the subject. "The only way that could turn into a plus is with a catfight."

"Patrick!"

"Preferably in a mud pit where they're partially, if not completely naked."

"What are the odds that two girls who were attracted to you both show up in Lesbos looking for a Hebrew translator?" Oliver asked Jeff.

"What baffles me is that you completely forgot about this incident until just now," Steve stated.

"Yeah, how could you forget something like that?"

Jeff shrugged. "I guess I was interested in all of your going ons that I thought my adventures in Lesbos weren't as important. I mean the great Patrick Maitland is off the market and engaged to be married."

Patrick sucked air through his teeth as he was about to correct Jeff. "That's not technically true."

"Not technically true?" Steve was in disbelief by this. "You've proposed to Sally at least three times now!"

"God love the woman but she's very peculiar. We're not officially engaged until I give her an officially romantic proposal."

"And what's her definition of a romantic proposal?"

"She won't tell me."

"What? Why the bloody hell not?"

"If I know what she wants than she'll know what's coming and apparently that takes the romance out of it."

"He has a point," Jeff agreed with Patrick's point. "Hey Steve, maybe you could give Patrick some pointers on proposing. How did you propose to Susan?"

Steve set his glass down and began to explain. "Well Sally was supposed to be Patrick's fake wife but at the last minute he chose Susan over Sally making Sally jealous. So Sally wanted to use me as her husband to make Susan jealous but I was a bit…freaked by that and after Sally introduced me as her husband I told Susan I loved her and asked her to marry me."

"A bit freaked," Patrick chuckled remembering that event.

"Let me get this straight," Oliver tried to piece everything together, "while Susan's pretending to be Patrick's wife, you propose to her while you're pretending to be Sally's husband because apparently Sally was jealous that Patrick chose Susan over her to be his fake wife." Oliver took a drink. "And I thought me pretending to be my pregnant ex-girlfriend to a complete stranger was weird." The rest of the guys gave him funny looks. "It was over the phone and the stranger turned out to be Susan."

Steve let out a small chortle. "Surprising to say I miss those comical types of events. This is the first time I've been out with you guys in what six months."

"About that," Jeff stated. "But you've got a baby now."

"Yeah," Steve smiled as he thought about his six month old son. "He's a good kid."

Patrick scoffed at that notion. "The little bastard hates me."

"Don't you think you're being a little paranoid?"

"No, he literally hates me. Every time, _every time_ Sally and I pay a visit he cries as loud as he can when he's near me; he's done that since day one and he hasn't stopped since. Haven't really gotten the chance to get to know the little bugger."

"You think it's 'cause Joshua knows Patrick once did it with his mum?" Jeff suggested.

Steve gave Jeff his typical 'Are You Serious' look. "How would a baby know that?"

"Babies can hear Steve. Maybe it heard something about Susan sleeping with Patrick while it was in the womb and recognized Patrick's voice."

"Your theory makes absolutely no sense."

"I think it sounds plausible," Oliver argued. "A similar thing happened in the _Overcast _comic series. See, Overcast's alter ego Tod Ferguson married his sweetheart Sabrina Handrel- unaware that she was also a superheroine witch named Miss Spell who had her own short lived comic series. Anyway, Sabrina became pregnant with their daughter Matilda and while pregnant she was kidnapped by two masked henchmen who worked for a crime lord who went by the moniker Undertow. Undertow held Sabrina captive for a few days before Overcast found his hideaway, defeated the villain, and saved his wife- and then admitted to Sabrina who he was. Undertow and his masked henchmen got away however. Later Sabrina has the baby and when she and Tod go out in public this bloke named Lou starts trying to make friends with them. But what's weird is Baby Matilda starts crying whenever he's around. It takes time but Tod and Sabrina get the idea that Matilda can sense he's a bad guy. So in issue seventy-three Tod and Sabrina spy on Lou and see him talking to strange looking blokes who in one way or another have ties to Undertow. Lou had been disguising his voice to them and when Sabrina hears his real voice she recognizes Lou as one of the masked henchmen of Undertow."

"Does this have a point Oliver?"

"The point is the baby heard the bad guy's voice in the womb and could recognize who the voice belonged to even when it was disguised."

"Well the kid was the offspring off two superheroes so you could argue that the baby had superpowers," Jeff refuted.

"It's a fan theory," Oliver casually said.

"Thanks for spoiling that by the way; I just started reading the _Overcast _comics."

"Nerds," Patrick commentated with small chuckle.

Steve seemed a bit baffled. "What does this have to do with the real world?"

"Right," Oliver was now using hand gestures to help prove his point. "S'pose that while in the womb Joshua heard mention of his mum sleeping with Patrick, heard Patrick's voice, and then in the hospital recognized Patrick's voice and put a face to the voice."

"Makes sense," Jeff agreed with this theory.

Patrick was recounting on his fingers everything that had been said. "I don't have to remember any of this do I?"

Steve sighed. "Honestly, why do I pal around with you guys?"

"Low standards?"

"That was a rhetorical question Patrick."

"Then why bother to ask it? I can never tell when you're asking real or rhetorical questions so I always answer. You should be used to that by now."

"Can we change the subject now…and yes Patrick that was a _real _question."

**…**

Meanwhile at Steve and Susan's flat, Sally and Jane were in the living room while Susan was putting the baby down for a nap. "Sally," Jane broke the silence, "can I be a bridesmaid when you and Patrick get married?"

"Of course you can," Sally replied. "That is _if _we ever get married."

"He still hasn't properly proposed?"

"Not yet; and I'm getting quite tired of it," Sally sighed, "I suppose I'm going to have to face facts that Patrick Maitland can't be romantic and will never properly propose."

Susan entered the living room and joined in on the conversation. "He's asked you about three times now hasn't he?"

"But each time it wasn't romantic enough."

"You can't be too peculiar when it comes to proposals you know."

Jane turned to Susan. "How did Steve propose to you?"

"Well…let's just say it was unexpected."

"And that's another problem with Patrick's proposals," Sally vaguely added before continuing on. "I know when he's going to do it and how that it just completely takes away the romantic aspect of it."

"My aren't we picky," Jane commented to Sally as she brushed her hair back. "What exactly is your idea of a romantic proposal then?"

Susan scoffed at this question. "Do not get her started." Susan reached for her drink on the coffee on the table. "She's practically got a book on the subject."

"Do you?"

Sally fidgeted in her seat. "It's more a collection of notes."

"At least thirty pages worth," Susan reminded her. After hearing this, Jane burst into laughter.

Sally shoved Jane. "I'm a hopeless romantic! I can't help that I have ideas of how a proposal should be."

"Shockingly none of them are repetitious."

Jane was staring at Sally. "Which one is your ideal proposal?"

"Number thirty-six," Susan answered for Sally.

Jane's eyes went wide in humorous amazement. "Thirty-six!?"

"Out of seventy-two…and apparently counting."

Uncomfortable, Sally loudly cleared her throat. "Shall we talk about something else?"

"Candles!" Jane abruptly shouted.

"You want to talk about candles?"

"Actually I was going to ask you if your proposal features candles," Jane was twirling her hair. "But sure, let's talk about candles."

Susan shot a confused look at Jane. "Okay, what about candles?"

There was an awkward pause as the women tried to find something to say about candles. "Well," Sally broke the silence, "I like scented candles."

"To answer your question Jane: no. Number thirty-six does not feature candles. However, numbers nine, twenty-six, and fifty-eight do."

"Do not," Sally objected.

"I'm sorry, fifty-_seven_. Anyway those are the ones I remember. For all I know she might have more. But if anyone has known Sally as long as I have they'd know that she hardly gets rid of anything so I'm one hundred percent sure that there are at least seventy-two proposal ideas and those three involve scented candles."

"I don't know if I should be glad that you remember something that personal about me."

"Well I've been your best friend for over ten years I suppose I should remember personal things about you."

Sally took a drink from her glass. "I doubt Patrick knows anything so personal about me." Susan just rolled her eyes. "When we got invited to our first couple's party we played a rendition of the _Newlywed Game _and he didn't get a single thing right about me unless it was sex related."

"Patrick is good at anything sex related."

"I'll say," Jane commentated with a hint of satisfaction in her voice.

Sally shuddered to think of Patrick and Jane being intimate with each other- though it had previously happened before Patrick settled with Sally. She continued on with her complaining. "I got every single question about him right- be it personal or sexual- and he couldn't even answer basic questions about my interests and quirks that…that…well-endowed bastard."

"What were some of the non-sexual questions?" Susan asked.

"If they weren't about certain people like family, friends, or exes then it was mostly questions about interests, habits, quirks, and favorites. He couldn't even get questions about the people right for that matter. In fact; the first question he was asked was what my favorite book was and he looks at me with an eyebrow raised in confusion and whispers 'I didn't know there was going to be a test'." Susan and Jane couldn't help but giggle at that. "I tell him to answer the question and he replies 'I didn't know you read actual books'."

"No!" Susan managed to speak out as Jane kept giggling.

"He still made a guess anyway."

"I'm afraid to ask what he guessed but God I'm dying to know."

"He said," Sally proceeded to deeper her voice and mock Patrick, "'Sally'd rather watch the movie instead of read the book'."

"Did he really?"

"It is Patrick; the man hardly thinks before speaking."

"Is the answer _Love Story_?" Jane inquired.

"What?"

"Your favorite book? Is it _Love Story_?"

"Obviously," Susan spoke before Sally got a word out. "_Valley of the Dolls _is a close second, and _Madame Bovary_ and _Gone with the Wind_ tie for third."

"I knew _Valley of the Dolls_ was second but I thought Sally preferred _Madame Bovary _over _Gone with the Wind._"

"While Sally prefers the movie version she still loves the book."

"You know, Sally is still here," Sally brought attention to herself before looking at Jane. "I can't believe you knew that."

"You're obviously a hopeless romantic who loves a love story and I figured _Love Story_ would be your ideal book."

"How did you know about the other three then?"

"I've actually seen you reading them. I am a very observant person you know and I remember what I see."

Susan glared at Jane. "Really?"

"Really."

"Remember when you and I took Joshua to the park? I told you to watch him for not even a full minute while I go to my car, and you thought you lost him."

Sally was shocked. "Jane, did you really lose the baby?"

"No, she just didn't look to her left. I put Joshua in his stroller and put the stroller to Jane's left. Then when Jane sees me coming back she runs and gets someone else's baby."

"You nabbed another baby?"

Jane nervously fidgeted in her seat. "I thought the baby I picked looked closest to Joshua."

"You must not have looked long enough," Susan said to Jane. "You grabbed a baby girl!"

"Her outfit was similar to Joshua's."

"That baby girl was Asian!"

"Yes, but I didn't realize that until you pointed that out. I don't usually pick out every little detail. And personally, I think babies are ugly little things."

"Good to know Jane."

"Oh but not Joshua. I think it really helps that Steve is his father."

"Ah."

"I think I'd like to have a baby someday…although I wouldn't quite know what to do with one." Jane made a noise of disgust. "Oh, I hope I don't have an ugly baby."

Susan clapped her hands together. "Let's talk about candles now."

* * *

**I'm gonna stop here because I had planned on doing this as a scene with the guys, a scene with a girls, and then a longer christening scene but then I decided to save that for next chapter due to what I have planned.**

**For the record, I made up the comic series Oliver went on about. I figured his character owns a comic book shop so he must read different comics. I'm not really a big comic book geek so I made a comic book series up (that way I wouldn't have to do too much research looking for real comics).**

**Can anyone else picture Jane wanting a baby but not knowing what to do with it?**


	3. A Christening to Remember

**Brief hiatus, yes two reasons: one- life and karma. The second reason is a severe bout of writer's block. Coming up with original things isn't as easy for me and if I get an idea, I can never get it in writing (that's why my niche is ripping off movies). Plus, I've never been to a Christening so I don't know exactly how it works so I'm trying to dance around the actual Christening and feature just the going-ons. Anywho, I'm getting back into writing regardless and now we have a chapter with an event that gathers everyone together.**

**Oh yes, and there's also a pleasant surprise in here too but it could easily be seen coming…or can it.**

**Yeah, maybe- I'll let my readers be the judge.**

* * *

"I can't understand why they have christenings in churches," Jane commented as she entered the church, "bit bizarre isn't it?"

"Sure Jane, bizarre," Oliver exchanged a confused look with Jeff- who had since become a close male companion for the comic geek- and each of them shrugged this off. "I've never been to this church before; it's kind of out of the way for me. Did they choose this for a particular reason?"

"Oh yeah," Jeff nodded. "This was the church where Steve was baptized. His whole family was basically christened here and it made sense for Joshua to be too."

"Symbolic reasons, nice."

Jane led the group and looked around with disgust. "Ugh, I can't believe how many of Steve's family showed up. Never did like most of them, just his Mum." Someone caught her eye. "Hello now, who do we have here?"

"Ah," Jeff noticed the man, "that's Steve's cousin Daniel. He used to work in Parliament but stepped down after his wife died unexpectedly."

"Ooh, a widower," Jane let out a lustful moan. "I find widowers very sexy."

Oliver and Jeff did a double take before Oliver blurted out, "You find anyone with a pulse sexy!"

"Plus the poor man lost his wife in an accident not even six months ago," Jeff reminded.

Jane pouted her lips and began seductively twirling her hair. "How long ago was the accident exactly?"

Jeff thought it through. "Four and a half months ago."

"He's had long enough to grieve," Jane made her way over to Daniel.

"Bu—but…gah!" Oliver just gave up. "God, I don't think I'll ever live to understand that woman."

"I'm sure she makes up for her…self in the bedroom." Jeff sighed. "I think I actually came close to knowing what that was like."

"Really? When?"

"Right before Steve called and asked me to take his porn magazines to him."

"Do I want to know?"

"Oh yeah, it's really a funny story."

"Is it really?"

"Trust me."

**…**

Steve was standing next to Susan mindlessly listening as Susan chatted on about something when he heard laughing. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Jeff and Oliver sharing a laugh and a twinge of jealousy came over him.

"Steve," Susan brought him back to reality.

"Hmm," he looked back at her parents. "Yes, sure I agree."

Her father raised his eyebrow. "Beg pardon?"

Susan handed Joshua to her mother. "Could you hold him for a moment while I have a chat with Steve?" Susan led Steve aside. "What's going on with you?"

"What do you mean 'what's going on with me'? Nothing's going on Susan."

"Look, I know today's been stressful to say the least but all I ask is that you keep focus. That's not too much to ask from you is it?"

"Of course not."

"Okay, what else is bothering you?"

"Nothing else is bothering me?"

"What were you looking at when we were talking to my parents?" Susan got a look at Jeff and Oliver having a laugh. "Aw Steve you're jealous."

"No I'm not."

"Yes you are. You have good reason to be you've known Jeff for over twenty years and you think a new guy is going to take your spot."

"They've just met and already they're hitting it off! I wouldn't be surprised if they wound up in bed together!"

"Now you know that's not going to happen. And if for God knows what reason that it does happen you're always going to be Jeff's best friend. You didn't feel like this when Jeff made friends with Patrick."

"I didn't think that would last. In all honesty I'm surprised Patrick and Sally lasted too."

"Patrick hasn't been the best with any kind of relationships. If he was he and Sally would be engaged by now."

"Are you…you haven't been pressuring him on proposing to Sally have you?"

Susan pondered what Steve had said.

"_Patrick, I don't know if you know this but Sally actually prefers pink roses to red ones. Just a little heads up if you're planning on doing something _romantic_ for her."_

"_You know Patrick, Sally's parents anniversary was on the 28__th__ of July- which is also her mother's birthday. Seeing as you know how Sally and her mother are…estranged, might I suggest any romantic gestures not take place on dates divisible by the number seven. Sally prefers even numbers you know."_

"_Sally's secretly wanted a baby for the longest time. You know what they say Patrick first comes love, then comes marriage, then the baby in the carriage deal...though I'm probably not the best example for that rhyme am I?"_

"_Sally wants to get married before me doesn't she Patrick? Can't imagine why I mean it's not like anyone's asked her or anything…no Patrick, there isn't anything in my eye I'm winking at you."_

"_OH JUST PROPOSE TO THE WOMAN ALREADY!" _

Looking Steve right in the eye Susan shook her head, "No."

**…**

Sally looked miffed as she and Patrick entered the church as the last guests. "I can't believe how late we are. I never should have let you talk me into that pre-afternoon delight thing." Patrick's sly snicker made Sally scoff. "We would have been here much sooner had you just ended when I told you to."

"Wouldn't have been much fun then would it?"

She let out an annoyed sound. "Come on; let's go mingle with people you haven't slept with."

"Do we even have to be here?"

"Of course we do! This is a big day for little Joshua and we should help celebrate it."

"I don't even like the little bastard."

Sally hit his side. "Patrick!"

"He doesn't like me either!" He let out a muffled noise. "Never did much care for babies."

"You had sex with a pregnant woman once."

"Yes, but that's different the baby wasn't alive then."

"What if I had a baby?"

Patrick's eyes went wide in nervousness. "Sally, you're not-"

"Oh God no!" Sally gave a fake reassured chuckle. "No, no."

"I mean I know you secretly want a baby someday but I think-"

"Who told you that?"

"Susan did."

"I see. And when exactly were you talking to Susan?"

"I wasn't talking to her. She approaches me telling me these things before yelling at me to propose to you."

"Susan did what?"

"What I just told you...I probably wasn't supposed to tell you though. Don't tell her I told you." Sally huffed at him and stormed off. "Was it something I said?"

"Susan Walker!"

At the mention of her name, Susan looked to see an upset Sally approaching her. "Oh Christ." The priest turned to Susan looking a bit offended. "Sorry."

"I can't believe what you've been doing you sneaky little…sneaky little…sneak!"

"Calm down Sally. What exactly are you talking about?" Susan (and Sally) failed to notice Steve make his way over to the conversation and stand beside Susan.

"Patrick just told me an interesting little fact that only you would know about me."

Susan just stood there with a blank look on her face. "Alright and," she gestured for Sally to continue.

"And then he told me that you told him the little fact when you were yelling at him to propose to me."

"You lying liar!" Steve's outburst made Susan jump a little.

"Lying liar?" surprisingly, those were the words out of Susan's mouth.

"I didn't really have much time to think about a proper adjective. Susan, you told me you weren't interfering in Patrick and Sally's romantic life."

"No, I said I wasn't trying to get Patrick to propose to Sally. Either way, neither of you were supposed to find out."

"It's Patrick!" both Steve and Sally were in unison in this.

"The man does not think before he speaks," Steve reminded.

"Why do you think I tell you every personal, intimate detail?" Sally questioned Susan. "If I told Patrick anything so personal you can bet he'd blurt it out for all the wrong people to hear! And he's terrible at making excuses."

"Heaven knows what would happen if he ever spoke in public."

Susan put her arms up in a sort of surrender. "Okay, I'm sorry. I know it wasn't a good idea but I was just trying to help. Sally, you're my best friend and I look out for your happiness and interest and I was only trying to help. Again, I'm sorry."

Sally sighed. "Alright, I'm sorry I sort of overreacted. It's just…never once have I interfered with any romantic plans Steve has had for you."

Steve pondered what she said. "I think she's right."

"Obviously. I mean I would take the fucking credit if anything successful was my idea." The priest scowled at Sally. "Oh like you've never sworn before!"

The priest ignored her and faced Steve and Susan. "I believe that we should begin soon."

"I agree," Steve voted. "Come on ladies; let's take our places at the altar."

"Should we make sure everyone's still in here?" Susan suggested.

"Good point, I haven't seen Jane yet."

"Really?" Sally looked around. "Well there's Jeff and Oliver."

"Yeah and?" was Steve's tone bitter?

"Jane told me she was getting a ride with them. They're obviously here, why isn't Jane?"

"Jane probably was a third wheel in Jeff and Oliver's romance."

"Ooh, someone's a bit jealous of Jeff's relationship with Oliver."

"Ah, so there is something romantic going on between them!"

"Platonic relationship you twat!"

Steve tried to get his cool back. "Right, right I knew that." He cleared his throat. "Shall we start then?"

**…**

"_If you would all take your seats so that we may begin."_

A confessional door opened slightly and Steve's cousin Daniel poked his head out. "Looks like they're starting now." He stepped out of the confessional still looking neat and tidy.

Jane was the next one out and her hair and clothes were still in place. "Bloody hell we didn't do a single thing in there."

"Try again after?"

"Can we just skip the boring thing and do it?"

Daniel sucked air through his teeth in an 'I don't know about this' manner. "I don't know about that Jane. You see, I have been told by my late wife that I can be loud in that department. I don't think it's a good idea for us to have intercourse when it's supposed to be quiet."

Jane giggled. "Do people still use the term intercourse?"

"Jane, please?"

Jane did her upset little dance complete with the sad moan. "Oh, alright!"

"Thank you."

**…**

"I baptize you Joshua Walker Taylor in the name of the Father, the Son, and of the Holy Ghost," the priest finished with the Christening and handed the infant back to his mother as the crowd applauded. "I thank you all for witnessing the event. The refreshments are in the next room." This was enough to get everyone up and to the next room.

"Yoo-hoo," Jane tapped on Daniel's shoulder while he was in mid-conversation, "I believe you and I have to let out a few confessions."

Daniel took Jane aside. "Can we do this a bit later?"

"What? Why?"

"I've got family here I haven't seen in a while. Let me have a few chats with a few more people and then I'll meet you at the confessional."

"Why can't we go there together?"

"Jane, I just lost my wife and I told a lot of people I'm not ready to move on yet. I think it's safer if I meet you there alright."

Jane groaned. "Fine! But as God as my witness if someone else gets there before you I will have sex with him or her." Jane turned around to stomp off and came face to face with the priest. "Excuse me Your Highness," she hurried past him.

**…**

Jeff and Oliver were so busy discussing the possibility of an _Overcast_ movie that they neglected to notice Jane hurry past them. "But the real question is can he play a sort of everyman," Jeff was going on about casting the lead role. "I mean he's the natural tough guy but can you really expect him to play the alter ego role."

"No he can't he's too macho," Oliver inputted. "That's why you have to go the preferred Tobey Maguire route and get the actor to play both the alter ego and the superhero."

"Preferred Tobey Maguire route?"

"I'm still not sure if that was him under the Spiderman costume? He was that believable as the nerdy Peter Parker."

"Oh," Jeff put his fingers to his head. "Now you got me wonderin' if he's really under that costume. Freaky."

**…**

Steve was standing by the buffet table holding his son and staring at Jeff and Oliver with contempt.

"You know," Susan approached him, "this is mostly your family. You should go and have conversations with them."

"What person in their right mind would want to talk with their family?" Jeff and Oliver started to laugh again. "They're talking smack about me I know it."

"Can you actually hear them?"

"No."

"Then how do you know?"

"I just do!"

"I think it's the jealousy taking over."

"I'm not jealous." Jeff and Oliver laughed again. "I'm just going to go and interject myself into their conversation as a show of non-jealousy," he passed the baby to Susan and joined the guys with his own fake laughter.

Susan looked at her son. "You know Daddy's jealous right?" Josh made bubbles with his spit in response. "I'll take that as a yes." The baby started to whine. "What's the matter honey?" Joshua just kept whining. "Do you want your Pooh Bear?" Her response was more whining on the verge of crying. "Mummy left him in the car." Susan began scanning the room for someone who wasn't engaged in a conversation and came across one person standing near a corner alone. Hurrying over, she handed her son to said person and the whining became full-fledged screaming and crying.

Patrick tried to hand Joshua back to his mother. "Susan, are you insane?"

"It's only for a minute; I have to run to the car." She gave her son a quick kiss on his crown before running off.

"Um…what do I do?" Joshua kept screaming his head off. "Do you have an off button or something?" Nothing but screaming and crying. "Uh…" he tried to search for someone to pawn the baby off to. Not knowing what to do, Patrick just held the kid and bounced him up and down. Still, the crying did not cease.

Sally came over to them. "Patrick, what did you do to him?"

"I didn't do anything! Here!" He pawned the child off to Sally. Once in Sally's arms, the crying subsided. "See!"

"You're overreacting Patrick," as if by instinct, Sally put Joshua over her shoulder and began patting him until she heard him burp. "See, that's all he needed." She cradled him in her arms and rocked him back and forth. "It's not your fault Patrick's an idiot."

"Hey!"

Sally ignored him. "You just needed a nice burp didn't you? Yes you did, yes you-"

Sally was interrupted by a strange sound emitting from Joshua followed by him retching on her dress. Sally's upset scream of disgust resulted in unwanted attention from the guests, unwelcome snickering from Patrick, and Susan rushing in with Joshua's toy thinking something was wrong. Without saying a word Sally walked over to Susan, shoved her baby at her, and tried to walk to the ladies' room with dignity.

"Can you go see what's wrong with her?" Patrick asked Susan.

Susan looked at him with ire. "Why can't you?"

"Because it's the ladies room."

"Like that's ever stopped you before."

"It's a ladies room in a church."

"Patrick!"

"Fine, fine." Patrick knocked on the door to the ladies' room. "Sally?" Sally didn't say anything back. "Are you alright?" He pressed his ear to the door and Patrick swore he heard her crying. "Right, I'm coming in." He entered the bathroom and saw Sally standing at the sink desperately trying to clean the vomit off of her dress.

"It won't come off!" she cried as she wetted another paper towel. "What do they feed that child?"

"I think I might have something that helps."

"I highly doubt it, Patrick."

"No, honest I do. Come with me to the car."

"Why?"

"Just trust me on this please."

Sally angrily balled up the paper towel and threw it in the trash can. "Fine."

Patrick took her hand and led her outside. Once they reached Patrick's car, he instructed her to wait by the passenger side as he went to the trunk. "Here we go." Patrick pulled out a dress that looked like it had just came from the dry cleaners.

"What the…how the…why the-"

"I thought I'd come prepared for occasions like this. See, it's the second dress you liked."

Sally took the dress. "I can't believe you did this for me." She raised her eyebrow to him. "What's the catch?"

"No catch I promise; it's merely an emergency dress."

"Oh Patrick," Sally kissed him. "This has got to be the sweetest, most sincerest thing you've ever done for me."

"I'd only do the sincere crap for you Sally."

**…**

Steve just stood there between Jeff and Oliver like a third wheel as Jeff and Oliver prattled on about action films. Steve had his arms crossed and his face seemed to express a mixture of boredom and regret.

"Hey," Jeff began, "you know who really knows a lot about _Ghostbusters_?"

Oliver was extremely curious. "Who?"

"Father Elliot over there."

"Are you kidding?"

"No! He's like the ultimate _Ghostbusters_ fanboy. He can answer any question pertaining to the series be it movie, comic, or animated television shows."

"Shows? There was more than one animated _Ghostbuster_ show?"

"Yeah, _Extreme Ghostbusters_!"

"No shit?" Father Elliot, who was passing by, stopped in his tracks. "Oops, sorry."

Father Elliot held up his hand. "I'll let it slide." He continued on toward the confessional.

"He recorded all forty episodes," Jeff continued. "He said that series, while more modern, was more darker and focused heavy on a new Ghostbusting generation. One of the kids was in a wheelchair and another was a girl."

"For real?" Oliver was excited by this. Steve, however, just glanced at his watch and stifled a yawn and said nothing.

"Another was Mexican!"

"A Mexican Ghostbuster?"

"Yeah but the original Ghostbusters are only together for a two-part episode. Egon's the only original Ghostbuster to stay. Father Elliot did say that he was pleased that the original voice for Egon came back."

"Harold Ramis?"

"No, the voice actor," Jeff tried to think of the name. "I can't remember his name. I'm gonna go ask him."

"Where'd he go?"

"I think I just saw him by the confessional. Maybe he went in." Jeff went to the confessional.

While something was going on over there, Oliver decided to converse with Steve. "So, you like _Ghostbusters_ Steve?"

"Can't say that I do Oliver," Steve replied.

"You mean you haven't seen it? Every nerd in existence has seen it!"

"Well I guess I'm not a nerd then."

"Is something troubling you Steve? We're friends now and friends tell each other everything don't they?"

"Not everything?"

"Are you jealous that Jeff and I seem to connect more conversation wise?"

Steve did a double take. "Did Susan tell you?"

"No, Jeff did."

"Jeff?"

"Jeff flat out told me that no matter what, you're always gonna be his best friend and porn buddy and he wanted me to respect that- which I do. He told me this story of when you got your first girlfriend. Jeff was so jealous and he was so afraid he was gonna lose you. But his fears were laid to rest when you made time for him and assured him you were always gonna be his best friend and porn buddy."

"He really told you I was his porn buddy?"

"Do you get my point? Jeff was afraid that maybe you would get jealous but I assured him you would always know he was your best friend."

Steve sighed. "I s'pose I did get a bit jealous. I'm sorry, Oliver, I should've trusted you."

"It's not really me you should apologize to, it's Jeff."

"I guess you're right," Steve began to search for Jeff. "Hey, where is Jeff?"

"Dunno," Oliver pointed to something else, "but why is Patrick carrying a microphone."

"What the bloody hell is he doing," Steve noticed the priest turn around at him. "Oh come on this is like a running gag now you should be used to this."

**…**

"Susan," Sally went over to Susan, "switch dresses with me."

"Hello to you too Sally," Susan greeted back.

"Fine: Susan, _please _switch dresses with me."

"It looks like you've got a new dress, why do you want mine?"

"Her," Sally pointed to a blonde woman wearing the same dress as Sally. "I asked her to take off her dress but she looked at me like I was some crazy person."

"No comment there."

"I can't be seen in the same dress as another woman at an event! Trade dresses with me!"

"No, and where did you even get this dress?"

"Patrick brought it for me."

Susan shot a confused glance at Sally. "Patrick Maitland?"

"Hard to believe isn't it? He brought it as an 'emergency dress'."

"Well if he brought one, maybe he brought another. Why don't you ask him?"

"Because I can't find him. I don't know where he's went off to."

The noise of someone tapping on a microphone encompassed the room. "Can I have everyone's attention please?" Patrick was standing on the room's small stage behind a microphone.

"Found him," Susan bluntly stated.

"My name is Patrick Maitland and I've got a problem," Patrick continued on. "For the first time in my life I've fallen in love. And the woman I've fallen in love with is Sally Harper."

"What the fuck is he doing?" Sally quietly asked Susan.

Susan shrugged. "Humiliating himself?"

Patrick cleared his throat. "I know I'm not perfect. I'm not good at being sincere or romantic, I usually ignore feelings and other girly stuff, and looking around the room I guarantee I've slept with at least half of the women here. But Sally's the one woman who's willing to put up with all my flaws, and I'm the man willing to put up with all of hers."

Sally buried her hands in her face in embarrassment. "Oh shit."

"Another thing a lot of you know about me is my failure to commit. However, I've realized that Sally is the one woman I want to commit to." Sally lowered her hands and looked up at him. "I've tried countless of times to propose to her but each time she's tried me to try again because it wasn't a 'proper proposal'- whatever the hell that means…sorry if that was offensive Father."

Father Elliot reached for a glass of wine. "Fuck it."

"Anyway, I actually took the time and effort to plan a perfect proposal. Believe it or not I read a few books on this."

"I don't believe it," Steve whispered to Oliver, resulting in Oliver snorting with laughter.

"And I found that women do like unexpected proposals and she's more than likely to say yes when she's asked in a public setting with people watching. So, I'd like to take this opportunity to ask Sally to look in her dress pocket."

Sally raised an eyebrow in confusion. "This dress has pockets?"

"Yes, the dress has pockets."

Sally felt around for a pocket. Once she found the pockets, she stuck her hands inside both of them. The right pocket was empty, but there was clearly something in the left pocket. And that something was a diamond ring. "Oh my God!" She began to cry.

Patrick got off the stage and made his way over to Sally. "Sally, I love you; will you marry me?"

"Yes," Sally slowly started to nod her head before the nodding became more enthusiastic. "Yes! Yes! YES!"

With a huge grin on his face, Patrick took the ring from Sally and slid it on her left ring finger. "I love you."

"I love you." And the newly engaged couple kissed as everyone happily applauded them.

**…**

Jeff opened the door to the confessional. "Did we miss something important?"

Jane poked her head out and looked around. "Doubt it."

"Should we join the crowd or something?"

"No," Jane grabbed Jeff by his shirt collar and pulled him close. "I am the Lord your God, take me now."

"Okay!" they hurried back inside and shut the door so that the two of them could partake in some afternoon delight.

* * *

**I wanted to end it with the proposal, but at the same time I wanted a more humorous ending. The thing with Jeff and Jane was a spur of the moment thing but I knew it was gonna happen in this story eventually.**

**I don't know about you guys but I couldn't help but envision everything that went on in this church and I hope I'm not the only one who swooned at a 'proper' Patrick/Sally proposal.**

**The running gag with the offensive terms around the priest wasn't actually a thing at first but I kinda rolled with it and it's now another one of my favorite things in this longer chapter.**

**Sorry again for the delay, hope this makes up for it. And I hope I came somewhat close to what goes on at a Christening.**

**And yes, there are animated _Ghosbuster _series featuring veteran voice actor Maurice LaMarche (_Pinky & the Brain, Futurama, _Alec Baldwin in _Team America_) as my favorite Ghostbuster Egon Spengler. I'm a _Ghostbusters_ fangirl, I wanted to include something related to the franchise.**


	4. Pregnant Pause

**Did anyone miss me? No? Fine and dandy. I didn't miss me either.**

**Okay, yes it's been a while. I committed myself to other projects, there was a whole lotta shit going on in life (pardon my French), and yeah, I had severe writer's block for this. I had ideas, I lost them.**

**So I'm going to level with you guys. There are only going to be three chapters left counting this one. I managed to come up with three ideas that I can expand on. But yes, this will get finished eventually. I'll try my hardest not to turn this into an abandoned fic- I know what that's like and it sucks.**

**I did try to make this chapter longer though. Here's chapter 4.**

* * *

There they sat at Steve and Susan's table; Jane and Sally on the left, Susan directly across from Sally beside an empty high chair, and at the end between Sally and Susan was a wide-eyed, Oliver- who for some reason had a giant stain on his shirt. The four adults were staring at what now rested on the table before them.

"So," Oliver tried to break the awkward, yet somewhat tensed silence, "how exactly did this happen?" His query got no reply. "Well, the truth is going to come out eventually." More silence. "Okay," Oliver clapped his hands together, "here's how this looks from my perspective."

**…**

**Oliver's Perspective- fifteen minutes earlier:**

"I don't think you understand Jeff," Oliver was conversing with Jeff over their mobiles, "this is a _real_ woman and there's a very good chance this date can lead to _real_ sex."

Jeff couldn't help but chuckle._ "Been a while hasn't it Ollie?"_

"Yes, it has been a while but…but with this girl it's different. I've got a feeling about this girl Jeff. The thought that she could be the one has crossed my mind."

"_How serious do you think you and this girl could get?" _

"I think she might be the Lois Lane to my Clark Kent."

"_Ooh, that is serious," _Jeff agreed. _"How did you even meet her?"_

"Well, we actually haven't met...per se."

"_That's a good start."_

"We've developed a relationship in a _Doctor Who_ forum. I said I've never met her but she told me I have met her! She's been to the shop before and thought I was cute. Cute, Jeff, cute! This girl I've never met I've apparently met and she thinks I'm cute!" This got Jeff to let out another chuckle. "I'm meeting her tonight for dinner and I want to be prepared."

"_And you can't buy any yourself?"_

"I got reservations at a good restaurant."

"_How good?"_ Jeff's eyes widened as Oliver described the restaurant. _"Oh, that is a good restaurant."_

"You can see why I can't spend any money on anything else tonight."

"_Else?"_

Oliver looked to the side where a giant convenient store _Slurpee_ sat. "I might have overdone it with the extra-large _Slurpee_ during my lunch break." He shook the nearly empty beverage. "At the time it didn't occur to me to buy any...you know…_protection_," he whispered the last word in embarrassment.

"_Sorry Oliver but I can't help you out. I'm broke and condomless."_

"Shit."

"_Wait, I'm not condomless!"_ Jeff suddenly blurted out. _"There's about a handful of condoms at Steve's place among our porn collection."_

"That's fantastic!" Oliver suddenly made a face as he realized what he had just complimented. "Do you have a spare key to his flat?"

"_Yeah, but it's with me and I'm out. Don't worry, Susan should be home though. Just get in there, ask to borrow something from Steve's collection, hide a condom in your pocket or wallet, and borrow one of Steve's pornos."_

"Why?"

"_That way you're not lying to Susan when you borrowed something from Steve's collection. Might I recommend _Lesbian Spank Inferno_?"_

"Jeff!"

"_It's nice to have a Plan B in case things don't work out on your date tonight."_

Oliver should have been offended but he thought about the luck- more accurately lack thereof- he had been having with women. "Good point." He took a quick sip of his _Slurpee_. "Right, I'm off."

"_Good luck, mate."_

Oliver quickly hung up the phone as he began running around the store. He hurriedly grabbed his jacket and beverage, bolted out of the store, turned back to actually close/lock up the store, got into someone else's unlocked car, quickly hurried out before anyone noticed him, entered the passenger side of his car, climbed over the dashboard to the driver's side, threw his jacket to the passenger side instead of putting it on himself, started the car, rear ended the vehicle behind him (the one he had accidentally snuck into), and drove off in the wrong direction before correcting that mistake. Oliver took another quick sip of his drink as he turned a corner. He quickly regretted that decision for two reasons. First, he drove over a curb and the drink spilled all over his shirt. Second, that sip seemed to have been the dreaded sip; the particular sip that indicated a person had too much to drink and should relieve one's self and more often than not came up at an inopportune time.

Just another typical day in the life of Oliver Morris.

So when he arrived at Steve's flat he hurried out of his car and pounded on the door. "Susan!" No answer. He knew it was impolite (among other reasons) to break into someone's house, but Susan was home. Thankfully, the door was unlocked. "Susan, it's Oliver!" He made his presence known when he ran into the flat. "Sorry to barge in," he made his way down the hall and toward the bathroom in Steve and Susan's room, "but I really need to use the…" he opened the bathroom door to find his three female friends on the other side of the door standing in the center of the bathroom. They each screamed and Oliver swore that in that quick blur of instant they all dropped something. "Shit! Sorry," he backed into the hall and closed the bathroom door.

"Oh fuck, not again!" he heard Sally cry out through the closed door.

Confused, Oliver mouth the word 'again' to himself. Had any of the guys barged in on the three of them in the bathroom before? He knew he shouldn't eavesdrop, but his curiosity was piqued.

"You had to buy the exact same brand?" Susan scolded.

"It was the cheapest!"

It was at this moment that the call of nature rang for Oliver. "Susan," he tapped on the bathroom door, "sorry for barging in on you, but can I use your loo?"

He heard Susan sigh in what seemed like defeated exasperation. "What the hell? Come on in Oliver."

"Thanks," he slowly opened the door and got a good look at his anxious looking lady friends. "So…no locks on the bathroom door?" The women gave him icy looks. "Sorry." He glanced at the three of them. "Um…could I get a little bit of privacy?"

"Why?" Jane inquired. "I've seen it before and it's not all that impressive."

"Jane!"

"I think it's only fair. You saw us."

"Yes, but your privates weren't exposed as you were urinating! And I have no idea what the three of you are doing in Susan's bathroom. Seriously, why are you all in here? It's creepy enough when women go to the toilets in groups in a public setting."

Susan stepped forward. "You really have no idea what's going on in here?"

"No!"

"And you didn't hear anything?"

"No! Susan, is there something going on that I should know about?"

Susan paused. "Well, you're going to find out eventually."

"Find out what?" Susan cleared her throat and pointed to the floor. Oliver looked down at the floor at what Susan was pointing at. "Um…okay."

Three identically similar pregnancy tests were scattered together on the floor. "We were about to find out when you barged in on us and caused us all to drop our tests."

"And you don't know whose is whose?" The three of them shook their heads. Oliver looked back down at the ground. "Well, one of them is negative." One test result was face up while the other two were face down.

"Could you…" Susan didn't know how to say what she wanted to say. So she came out with it. "…could you flip the other two over?"

"Uh..." Oliver was equally at a loss for words. "Why?"

"Please. This is making us really anxious. Do this for us and then we'll let you piss in private."

Oliver sighed, shrugged, and lowered himself to turn over the other two tests. He picked up the first one and turned it so he could see the result. "This one is also negative." He set that one down face up.

"Oh fuck," a visibly nervous Sally was shaking, "fuck, it's going to be a repeat of last time."

"You don't know that for sure," Susan tried to assure her. "They might all be negative."

Jane put her arm around Sally's shoulder. "Yeah Sally, think positive," Jane tilted her head. "Or negative in this case. Think positively negative!"

"What happened last time was a strange coincidence."

Sally calmed a bit. "You're right. Yes, last time was an incredibly strange coincidence," Sally started laughing while Oliver picked up the final test. "I mean really; what are the chances that-"

"-one of you is pregnant," Oliver interrupted. The girls turned to him. Without saying a word, he showed the three of them the positive test.

"Fuck."

**…**

**Present Time**

"What baffles me," Oliver began, "is why were the three of you each taking a pregnancy test? What, you all think you conceived at the same time?" Oliver turned to Susan. "Not to be nosy Susan but how did you and Steve find time with a baby in the house?"

There was some delay on Susan's part before she explained. "For one night Steve and I didn't have to worry about the baby."

"Heh?"

"After the Christening my mother suggested Steve and I spend some time together just the two of us and she would take Joshua for the night. You have to remember it had been a long time since Steve and I…you know," the adults nodded. "So the night while Joshua was at his grandmother's, Steve and I found the time to…to be intimate."

"The Christening? That was nearly three months ago wasn't it?"

"Ten weeks ago."

"How do you know that?"

"Ever since I got pregnant with Joshua I measured in weeks and it's became a habit." Susan's face fell. "Oh Christ, I could be ten weeks pregnant."

"So could we!" Sally and Jane reminded her in unison.

Susan thought about that. "Now Sally I can understand," this was a subtle reminder that Sally and Patrick had gotten engaged at the party following the baptism and most likely celebrated their engagement, "but not you Jane."

"Susan has a point," Sally looked at Jane. "Who could you have slept with?"

Jane tried be coy. "You may or may not know him."

Oliver made a strange noise as his jaw dropped. "You had sex with Jeff!"

"WHAT?!" Sally and Susan were not aware of that.

"Steve and I couldn't find Jeff for the longest time at the party and when we did he was acting like a madman all delirious and drooling. Steve figured he had sex and that just made Jeff giggle. You had sex with Jeff, didn't you Jane?"

Jane groaned. "Alright my secret's out; I had sex with Jeff."

"But you left with that other guy!"

Susan raised her eyebrow to Jane. "What other guy?"

"Steve's widowed cousin Daniel," Jane bluntly answered. "He was supposed to meet me in the confessional for sex and I waited for him. There's also a ninety nine percent chance I told him that if someone got in there before he did I would have sex with that person."

"And that person was Jeff?"

"He was looking for the priest guy and thought he was in the confessional," Jane shrugged. "An honest mistake."

"But you left with Steve's cousin?"

"He forgot about me when he was mingling with his family and decided to make it up to me with dinner and sex. Well, I had to coax him into the sex part," Jane's thoughts drifted to the evening she shared with Daniel. "His dead wife was right; he is loud when he makes love."

"Oh-kay then," Oliver punctuated the word 'okay'. "For the sake of the unborn baby I hope you're not the mother."

"Aww, thank you Oliver." With a smile, Jane turned to Sally. "So Sally who did you sleep with?" This elicited an 'are you serious' type look from not only Sally, but from Susan and Oliver as well. "Well last time it wasn't Patrick."

"I'm confused; what's with this last time business? Has this happened before?"

"The night Sally and Patrick got together was the night Sally thought she was pregnant," Susan began to explain. "Jane and I acted as control tests because we all assumed we'd be negative. However, one test was positive and Sally accidentally mixed them up. I was convinced it wasn't me because I was having trouble conceiving. But miraculously it was me. So Jane narrowly avoided being impregnated by a random pizza man, and Sally didn't get knocked up from a one-night stand with a guy named Peter Wilkins."

"That's how you found out you were pregnant with Josh? Not exactly the way I expected for someone like you and Steve but…it's unique." Susan just shrugged at him. "So one of you is pregnant, but you don't know who." A puzzled look splashed across Oliver's face and he began acting all flustered. "How? I mean I watch enough television series to know how a woman knows she's pregnant. You mean to tell me you all have the same symptoms? None of you have strange cravings for anything pickle related? How can you be sure that none of you have been bitchier than usual and chalked it up to your frickin' hormones? Oh and I'm sure none of your pants have gotten tighter around the middle! And I'm to assume not a single one of you has had a frickin' bleeding uterus in the last month?" As Susan opened her mouth to speak, Oliver cut her off. "Yes, I'm aware of what I said!"

Jane giggled. "Are you sure you're not the one who's pregnant, Oliver?"

"You are aware that I can't be pregnant, Jane."

"Well not _right_ now you can't; but modern science and magic has done wonders."

"Let it go Oliver," Susan spoke before Oliver had the chance to.

And then came the awkward silence again. This time it was broken by Jane asking, "Now what?"

"The logical thing to do would be to take another test. I think it's best that someone else besides Sally buy different sets of tests and we each go again."

"And by someone else you mean Oliver, right?"

Oliver did a double take. "What?"

"We trust you Oliver. You should go while us girls stay here and try to generate enough pee for another test."

"Do you know how sick, twisted, and wrong that is?"

"Do this for us, please," Jane directed a puppy dog pout to him.

"How do you expect me to purchase your pee sticks ladies?"

"We'll pay you when you get back alright!" an irritated Sally practically yelled. "Just go!"

"Alright, alright, fine," Oliver got up, fetched his jacket, and headed off in the direction opposite the door.

"Where are you going?"

"I believe I was promised one peaceful piss, thank you very much."

…

Oliver cleared his throat to get the girl's attention. She stopped stocking shelf and addressed the anxious looking customer. "May I help you, sir?" She noticed the stain on his shirt. "Perhaps you'd like a stain remover for your shirt?"

"No…uh…" a quiet Oliver had his hands in his pockets and he was trying desperately not to make eye contact with the girl. "I was wondering if you…if you could direct me to…do you sell…um…I…I…I need to buy…buy…"

"I'm sorry, can you speak up?"

"P-p-p-preg-preg-pregnancy testsssss," he basically hissed out the last word.

The girl, Rachel according to the nametag, smiled at him. "Relax, sir, you're not the first man to ask me today. You'll find them in the feminine aisle, aisle eight."

"Feminine aisle? See, I'm already awkward enough as it is and for a bloke like me to shop in that aisle _alone_ is just-"

"It's just like ripping off a Band-Aid or diving into freezing waters. Just go and get it over with."

"I was wondering if you could…could…if it's not too much trouble…"

"You need me to help pick one out for you?"

"Oh would you please."

"Fine," Rachel quickly finished stocking the shelf and led Oliver to aisle eight.

"Bloody hell!" Oliver was dumbfounded at how many different types of tests filled out nearly two shelves.

"Are you looking for cheapest, best results, easy to read, what are you looking for exactly?"

"It wasn't really specified. I just need at least three different types of pregnancy tests."

"Three?"

"Have to be certain, you know."

Rachel shook her head as she sighed and picked up four tests. "Always good to have an extra just in case. Why don't I ring these up for you?"

"Oh God, thank you."

"Come on," as Rachel led Oliver to the sales counter, she was approached by another nervous man. "Do you need something, sir?"

"Yes," he was avoiding eye contact and speaking quietly. "Could you tell me where I can find a…see it's actually my girlfriend who-"

"If you could wait a minute sir, I'll help you choose a pregnancy test."

"Thanks a lot."

"Hmm," Rachel continued walking on with a still dumbfounded Oliver following, "that guy makes it an even twenty today."

…

"Here," Oliver threw the store bag at the girls when he arrived back at the flat. "You ladies owe me for this."

"Thank you Oliver," Susan thanked. She turned to see him still standing there. "You can go now."

"Oh now I can go? I don't think so. After what I've just done for you I think I deserve to find out which one of you is pregnant."

Susan groaned. "Fine."

"Well it seems only fair."

"Whatever," Susan took one of the last tests from the bag. "Why did you get four?"

"It was the salesgirl's idea that I get an extra. Don't ask me why, I did what I was told."

"Are you sure the fourth one isn't for you?" Jane asked Oliver in all seriousness.

Oliver pinched the bridge of his nose in annoyance. "Jane- and I'm saying this as sincere as I possibly can- if you're the one who's pregnant then God help us because we're all fucked."

Jane swooned. "Thank you, Oliver; but that still didn't answer my question."

"No Jane, the fourth test is not for me."

"Well you don't have to sound so cross about it."

"Back on topic," Susan diverted the focus back to her, "the last times we made the mistake of going in our group so I think it's best that we each go in one at a time."

"Oh, there's no fun in that now is there?"

Sally shook her head. "Sorry Susan, I don't think I can go in there alone."

The three women then turned their attention to the gentleman of the group. And Oliver knew what was coming next. "Bloody hell."

…

Each time was significantly different when the women took their tests. Jane, the first one in, couldn't pee on her stick without an audience so Oliver had to watch. Once she finished she handed her test to Oliver and left. In disgust, Oliver threw the test on the sink and washed his hands repeatedly.

Sally was the second one in. She felt a bit calmer with another person present, but unlike Jane she made Oliver look away (and Oliver was incredibly thankful for that). But like Jane, once Sally took her test she left- setting her test on the sink beside Jane's. Like Jane, she had to wait to minutes but she didn't want to wait in Susan's bathroom. Both women unaware that their tests were sitting on the sink face down.

And finally it was Susan's turn. Susan was gracious enough to let Oliver leave. He literally burst into happy tears before running out of the bathroom and out of Steve and Susan's bedroom. This scene puzzled Jane and Sally who sat anxiously on Steve and Susan's bed as they waited their results, but their thoughts didn't really focus on that for too long.

Susan, following suit, set her test face down on the sink. She stepped out of the bathroom and joined the girls on her bed. "I got the blue line test again. You two?"

"My results will either flash the words 'pregnant' or 'not pregnant'," Sally clarified. "How 'bout yours Jane?"

"It can do more than a blue line?" Jane was not aware of different brands of pregnancy tests. "Wow, the magic of modern science can be scary sometimes."

Susan rolled her eyes and took out the box that once held Jane's test out of the bag. "Jane's results will either be a plus or minus sign. Plus sign indicates 'pregnant'. "

"It's good that they're all different then," Sally commented.

"Apparently so."

Jane cocked her head. "You sure the fourth test isn't for Oliver?"

"It's not for Oliver!"

A fourth person entered the room. "What about Oliver?"

"Well he got us four pregnancy tests when we really only needed three."

"Oh," Steve shrugged this off. "Well I s'pose that was nice of him to do that," he pulled a shirt from his closet. "Don't mind me; I'll let you three get back to…whatever it is you're all doing. I'll go put the baby down for his nap."

Five…four…three…two…one…it was at this moment that not only did the women realize the fourth person in the room was Steve, but Steve had relayed the information that had just been given to him. He emitted a frightened noise as he ran back into the bedroom. "I'm sorry," he slowly stepped closer to the bed, "could you run that by me one more time?"

And as if they were given some kind of cue, Jeff ran into the bedroom with Oliver behind him. Jeff's mouth was agape and he was pointing in the direction of the women. Oliver, however, had his arms at his side and looked guilty. "I'm sorry, I just sort of blurted it out," Oliver nervously fessed. "You people should know by now not to trust me with important matters like this."

"Susan," Steve knelt in front of his fiancée, "you might be pregnant?"

"Technically Sally or Jane could be the pregnant one. I mean, last time it was Susan so maybe it's Sally or Jane's turn." Steve and the girls gave Oliver icy looks. "Right, not helping, sorry."

Susan took a deep breath. "One of us," she gestured to herself and then the other two ladies, "is ten weeks pregnant."

"Ten weeks?" Steve put the pieces together. "Do you mean to tell me that one of you got knocked up on the day of my infant son's Christening?"

"It was most likely night, Dear."

"Still! How do you even know one of you is pregnant?"

"Well this is the second time today we've had to do it. There was a little mix-up earlier so Oliver was so kind enough to buy us each a different test. But one of the earlier tests was positive and the other two were negative. We were going to check the results after my two minutes had finished."

"How much more time do we have?"

Susan looked at her watch. "My two minutes ended thirty seconds ago."

…

The six adults stood in a sort of circle around the bathroom sink. Each of the tests were once again face down.

"S'pose we should look now," Oliver spoke up.

Steve nodded. "S'pose we should." He looked around. "Who's first?"

Susan took in a deep breath. "Steve, I think it's best we look at ours together. Is that alright?" Steve bobbed his head yes in reply.

Jane pouted her lips. "Well if Steve gets to find out with Susan then I think Jeff should find out with me."

Steve let out a small laugh. "Why Jeff? It's not like he's the father or…" he got a look at Jeff. "Jeff?" Jeff looked down at the floor. "Jeff!"

Jeff lifted his head, but did not make eye contact with Steve. "Jane and I are sorta…sleeping together."

"WHAT?!"

Oliver turned to Jeff. "I didn't know you and Jane were dating."

"We're not," Jeff quietly admitted.

"You and Jane are friends with benefits?" Jeff nodded. "That would be super awesome if we weren't about to look at pregnancy test results right now."

This seemed to get Jeff excited for a second. "I know right!"

"Jeff!" Steve was still in shock.

"Would you think that us sleeping together was cool if there's a chance she's not pregnant?"

"Well there's still the chance that it's not your baby," Jane point blankly stated. "I mean I did sleep with Steve's cousin Daniel that same night."

Steve's jaw nearly hit the floor. "Jane! The man had just lost his wife!"

"She probably would have wanted him to move on, wouldn't she? Now come on, let's get back to business. Jeff will look at my test with me, it's only fair. Come on now," Jane waited for Jeff to (very slowly and nervously) approach before peeking at her results.

"What about Sally? The only option she's got is Oliver," Steve looked at Oliver. "No offense."

Oliver put his hands up in a sort of surrender. "I'm just glad it's not my baby."

Sally shook her head. "I don't think I can look."

Susan put her hand on Sally's shoulder. "You know you're going to have to. It's not like you've got anything to lose this time."

"Not right away anyway, but I'll lose my figure, and…and my beauty sleep, and…oh God…I'll have the dreaded 'mummy tummy'." She flinched in disgust. "Fuck, it's going to be me; I just know it."

"You don't know that."

An excited squeal made everyone turn their attention to Jane and Jeff. Jane was bouncing up and down and Jeff had just let out a long breath. "I'm not pregnant!" She waved the negative stick up and down. "It's the minus sign! Look! Look! See! Minus sign means I'm not pregnant!" She let out another excited squeal. "Them little bastards just keep missing, don't they!" She continued doing her happy, bouncy dance.

Oliver playfully elbowed Jeff. "Now the thing about you and Jane is awesome."

Steve picked up Susan's test. "And then there were two." He didn't look at the results. "Ready?"

"Actually," Susan took her test from Steve and handed it to Sally, "I want Sally to look for us."

"What? Why?"

"Think about this from the female perspective Steve. This is a frighteningly, nerve-wracking, life changing test result. I'd like to get news like this from someone I trust than find out myself."

"That's why I'm looking too!"

"Steve."

Steve let out an agonized moan. "Fine! Either way this whole thing is completely screwed up."

Susan handed her test to Sally, and then picked up Sally's test. "Count of three?"

Sally nodded. "One…"

"Two…"

The two friends took a deep breath and in sync they quietly called out, "Three."

Steve and Susan both peered down at Sally's test as Sally glanced at Susan's results.

"Oh God."

Curious, Jane inched closer to Steve and Susan while Jeff and Oliver went over to Sally's side.

"I uh…" Oliver rubbed the back of his neck, "I guess congratulations are in order. I'm going to go get ready for my date now," he gave a quick, yet still awkward goodbye wave as he left.

"I'll just wait in the living room then," Jeff put his hands in his pocket and shuffled out of the bathroom.

"I'll wait with Jeff. Susan, are you coming with me?" Susan shook her head trying to maintain composure. Steve gave her a comforting kiss and rubbed her back consolingly. "Take as much time as you need," he whispered as he left her alone with the other women.

…

Steve gently tapped on the closed bedroom door. "Susan, are you ready to come out now?"

Jane opened the door a crack. "Now's not a good time Steve."

"Okay, well, maybe I could talk to her."

"I don't think so."

"Perhaps if I brought Joshua in it might…" Jane shook her head no. "No?"

"It's going to take some time for this to sink in."

"So…pizza?" Jane nodded. "Right, figured. Just let Susan know I'm ordering dinner." Jane nodded again before closing the door. With a sigh, Steve slowly went back to the living room where Jeff sat on the couch. "Still consoling her." Jeff let out an understanding sort of sound while Steve twiddled with his fingers. "That look on her face though," he formed that image in his mind. "Don't think I've ever seen her so petrified." They sat there for a few moments before Steve stood up. "Should probably phone for pizza now."

As Steve went into the kitchen, Jane came into the living room. "Hi," she sat beside Jeff.

"Hello," Jeff reluctantly greeted back.

"So?"

"So?"

"Dodged a bullet there didn't we?"

"Yeah," more tensed silence followed. "So this is the second negative for you in a year?"

"As far as they know."

Jeff finally turned to face her. "You've had other scares?"

Jane nodded. "And each time negative." She sighed. "I'm starting to think I'm never going to be able to have a baby."

"You want one?"

"I think we all wanted a baby- the girls and me I mean." Jeff nodded in understanding. "It's probably a lot to take in at the moment but she just needs some time." Jane cuddled up to him. "But do you want to know a secret?"

"What?"

"I was secretly hoping I was going to have your baby."

"Really?"

"We're both unlucky people living in misery. Be nice to have something worthwhile in our lives, wouldn't it?"

"Guess so."

She rested her head on his chest. "Jeff?"

"Hmm?"

"Do you think there's something more to our relationship than just sex?"

They looked into each other's eyes for a moment before vehemently shaking their heads no. "Nah!" they agreed together.

Steve came back into the living room some time later. He acknowledged his presence by clearing his throat. This action startled Jane enough to free from Jeff's embrace and sit up on the couch. "Am I interrupting anything?"

"No."

"Right then," he sat in his living chair. "Pizza should arrive in about twenty minutes."

"It took you that long to order pizza?" Jeff questioned.

"I had to make a couple more phone calls; my mum being one of them." Jeff shrugged this off. "Jane, how come you're not in there with Susan?"

"It was getting quite boring," Jane admitted. "Came out here to find something on the telly. I'm not the therapizing type of person."

"Clearly."

A sullen looking Oliver entered the flat. "Sorry I didn't knock," he slumped onto the floor beside Jeff.

"What are you doing back so soon? I don't even think you've been gone half an hour."

Jeff looked down at his friend. "Date didn't go too well?"

"She brought along her husband."

"Husband?"

"She didn't think it was a romantic date. I asked her to dinner using the ruse to discuss _Doctor Who_ and she took it seriously! She didn't tell me she had a husband."

"Wouldn't it have said her relationship status on her forum profile?"

"Ah…didn't think to read that. Probably should have also told her it was a dinner for two. Gave them my reservation as a sort of apology; it got me out of paying for dinner anyway." Oliver sat up, reached into his pockets, pulled out a condom, and handed it to Steve. "Won't be needing this mate."

Steve took the prophylactic with reluctance and disgust. "Thank you Oliver."

"I'm still gonna borrow _Lesbian Spank Inferno_ though."

"At this point I really don't care."

"Sally in there with Susan?" Steve nodded. "She okay?"

"I'm sure she will be; she just needs some time."

"So I guess everyone knows about this now?"

Jeff squirmed in his seat. "I don't think _everyone_ knows."

…

The knocking on the closed bedroom door made Susan huff in exasperation. "Not now Steve!"

"I'm not Steve," the voice on the other side replied.

A slightly confused Susan got up and opened the door. "Patrick?" A worried looking Patrick stood at the other end of the door with his hands in his pockets trying not to shake. "Did one of them phone you?" He nodded. "God, I don't think I've ever seen you look so freaked."

"They wouldn't tell me what's going on."

"Oh." Susan bit her lip. "They probably wanted her to tell you for herself. Trust me, it's not as bad as you think it is Patrick."

"Can I just see Sally…please?"

Susan nodded. "I'll leave you two alone." She closed the door as she left.

Patrick let out his breath and slowly made his way to the bed where Sally sat staring down at the floor. He carefully sat beside her. "You can't imagine how panicked I was when Steve phoned and said I needed to get here right away. Wouldn't even tell me what's wrong." He took a quick look at Sally, who in turn kept her gaze fixated on the floor. "Sally, what exactly is wrong?" Sally didn't answer. "Do I have to keep asking questions until I get it right? You and I both know that could go on forever." Sally pointed to the bathroom. "Something wrong with the plumbing?"

"On the sink," she muttered. Patrick raised his eyebrows in confusion, but got up anyway to investigate what she meant. Sally lifted her head to see his reaction. When he realized what was going on, he turned around and looked at her in surprise. "I'm pregnant."

"Yeah, I kinda…I kinda figured that."

"I've taken the test three times today on three different sticks; every single one of them positive."

He joined her on the bed. "And?"

"Don't you get it Patrick? I can't be pregnant."

"Well you _could_ but…" she glared at him, "nature wise _I'm_ the one who can't be pregnant." She buried her face in her hands and moaned. "I don't understand, I thought you wanted a baby."

She lowered her hands. "Eventually, Patrick, I want a baby eventually. I wanted to wait until we were at least married before we even consider started a family, or at least until we had a house. For Christ's sake we're still living in separate apartments. We could have at least decided on living arrangements before involving a living person! We just can't have a baby now. I keep forgetting I have a cat to take care of! How can I be expected to take care of a baby?"

"Do you want my opinion?"

Sally rolled her eyes expecting him to say something stupid or demeaning (or both). "Enlighten me, Patrick."

"We're not getting any younger."

"And there it is," she said aloud.

"I have a point to that statement."

"Oh, do you now?"

"We're in our thirties, we've got some financial stability, we've each settled down with the person we love, and we both want children at some point in our lives." Sally looked at him in surprise. "If we keep putting it off it might be too late for us. I mean, look how difficult it was for Susan to conceive and she's younger than you. I don't think there's a better time than now."

"I'm sorry; you actually want to father a child?"

He grinned at her. "Only if you mother it."

Sally soon found herself both laughing, crying, and letting Patrick wipe away her tears. "Patrick, we're going to have a baby."

"Yes we are," he cupped her face in his hands and slowly pulled her in for a kiss. "Never thought I'd be looking forward to being a dad," they each laughed at this. "Be nice not to have a kid hate me for no good reason." Sally rolled her eyes at that as she let him wrap his arms around her. They sat like that on Steve and Susan's bed for some time before Patrick broke the silence. "Sally."

"Yes, Darling."

"You are only having one baby right?"

Sally twisted her face in slight confusion. "What?"

"You said you took three tests today?" Sally nodded. "And you're sure you're not having three babies?"

"The number of tests does not determine the number of children, Patrick."

"Right, good, just checking."

…

"Today was…" Susan tried to find the right term to use, "…interesting. For lack of a better word."

"It was kind of strange to have a dramatic moment today," Jane inputted.

Steve made a strange face. "I never thought I'd say this but Jane's right."

"I never thought I'd hear it," Oliver added.

"I mean look at the way things have been for us. Has anything been as remotely taxing as what happened today?"

Jeff thought about this. "I dunno, it seems like our daily lives are supposed to be nothing but comical misunderstandings and sex." Jeff's eyes seemed to bug out. "Sorta like _The Truman Show_."

The others looked at him confused. Naturally, Steve was the first one to speak up. "I hesitate to ask why you think that."

"Truman didn't know his whole life was being broadcasted to the world on the telly and everything that happened was planned, or set, or scripted, but Truman didn't know that. What if our lives are like that? Like one big _Truman Show_ and we're all like Truman. Right now someone, somewhere, is observing what's happening between us right now." He cringed. "Spooky."

"That has got to be one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard you say. Who in their right mind would be interested in watching our goings-ons anyway?"

Jeff thought about that. "Yeah, you're probably right."

* * *

**Subtle little fourth wall joke with a reference to a popular-ish movie.**

**So I tried to keep it both funny with some elements of drama and romance- kinda like the actual show itself. I also tried to be misleading with the results but…I dunno you guys be the judges.**

**And for the record; I do think Jane and Jeff would make a cute (if not odd) couple, but I highly doubt they'd ever get into a serious relationship. So I doubt I'm going to pair them up, they'll just have a sexual relationship because at the end of the day that show was all about sex. And friends too…but mostly sex.**


	5. Girls, Girls, Girls

**OMG a faster update! Yes, now that I've started this up again I'm afraid it's been hard to slow down. Plot bunnies keep eating at me and I'm surprised at how quick I got this done. Screw sleep- that's where I get most of these ideas anyway!**

**Shout out to my 2 reviewers AnonymousLily and Katie Duggan's Niece. You guys are very kind and the feedback I have gotten from you has been very helpful and did inspire me to get this going again. So thanks again guys, nice to know you're reading. And thank you guest reviewer for the kind words and feedback as well- what you described is everything I like in a story or fanfic and I'm glad I could give that to you when I didn't think I could. I wrote this because I wanted to give this show some closure while adding things I wished/thought would happen in the show and I never thought people would find this little fic so thank you all so much. And if anyone cares, I also uploaded this story on as **archiveofourown** well.**

**I will also say this chapter is going to be long. There were two plots I wanted to use so I combined them into one chapter. I also put in another little subplot for transition purposes which I found entertaining. The final/next chapter will most likely be long as well. I have some good ideas and when I expand on them I get other little ideas and…well, I'm sure you where I'm going with that.**

**Moving on…**

* * *

A mutual(ish) decision had finally been made!

It started in early November while Sally helped Susan plan for Joshua's first birthday. Well, Susan did the birthday planning; Sally was too preoccupied planning her own wedding. After listing detail after detail after detail, Susan made the mistake of asking, "Do you think that's all possible?"

"What?"

"Well it sounds like a wedding like that would cost a fortune."

"Just a couple thousand or so," Sally said that as if it was no big deal. "I don't know if you've noticed but I have been settling for the basic, cheaper wedding necessities."

"Like an ice sculpture?"

"It adds class."

"Have you asked Patrick what he thinks about all this?"

Sally suddenly burst into a laughing fit. She kept it up until she saw the serious look on Susan's face. "Oh, you're being serious?"

"It's his wedding too!"

"I doubt he cares about the arranging and the planning; most men don't."

"Okay, what about guests? You said you didn't want a lot of guests, your family included."

"Well I hate my family."

"And what about Patrick's family?"

"Oh, _them_," she sounded bitter when she emphasized the pronoun, "those morons all think it's a joke and decided to spare themselves of witnessing what they call a disaster waiting to happen. They still refuse to believe Patrick's settled."

"And you want to avoid inviting most of our female acquaintances on the off chance they might have slept with Patrick."

"Exactly."

"And what about the baby?"

"What baby?"

Susan looked aghast at that remark. "Your baby!"

"Oh, _that_ baby."

"Yes, _that_ baby! If you spend a fortune on your wedding how are you going to afford to take care of your child?"

Sally pretended to give that a second thought. "We'll cross that bridge when we come to it."

"Sally!"

"Well what's wrong with wanting something for myself? It's going to be rather difficult for me to be selfish anymore so I would like to enjoy indulging myself while I still can. It's bad enough I'll have to shop in maternity now. I didn't even tell you that I found my perfect wedding dress. Yes it was incredibly gorgeous, and it was on sale! On sale! But thanks to this…this…_thing_ inside of me I can't buy my dream wedding dress! I won't be able to buy my dream anything anymore! I'm losing everything; my cat, my apartment, my alcohol, and worst of all, my figure!" Sally burst into tears and flung herself into Susan's arms sobbing.

Confused (and even somewhat startled) Susan just started stroking Sally's hair. "There, there," obviously she didn't know what to say.

"It's so unfair!" Sally let out a loud, sad wail and continued to sob.

Steve happened to pass by this scene en route to the kitchen. "Hormones," he muttered as he walked away.

"Come on Sally," Susan pried Sally out of her arms, "you've got to think about the positives of pregnancy."

Sally sniffled. "Like what?"

"Uh…pregnant women are supposed to take it easier so they get more time to relax."

"What else?"

"Ooh, the baby shower! Girls only, no men, free baby gifts; you like all those things."

Sally was calming down a bit. "They're not all that bad."

"And once upon a time I remember a four-way phone call where you talked about why it's good for pregnant women to have sex. And you've got a man who's good at it. Bonus; he enjoys sex with pregnant women."

This seemed to get Sally to stop crying. "I didn't think of that."

"Put more planning on the baby. Steve and I did that."

"Yes, but I would like it if my child wasn't a bastard."

"All the more reason to have a quick, cost efficient wedding. The things you want for a wedding take months to prepare and by the time you get everything ready you'd be ready to pop." Sally gasped. "Just have a small wedding and a party, and forego spending on a honeymoon. Spend money on a new dress, some cheap flowers, and a quaint little place for a small amount of people. That way you'll have more money for the baby."

"I suppose I could save up for a new maternity wardrobe…" an idea crossed Sally's mind, "…and a complete new wardrobe for the baby."

"There you go!"

"Plus Patrick likes to keep everything simple and less complicated so a small wedding is more his style- which implies I actually considered what he likes in a wedding."

"Exactly!"

"And if I get married soon I would have not only beaten you to the altar, but my child wouldn't be born a bastard."

Susan was a bit offended by that, but like a good friend she let Sally have her moment. "That's the spirit!"

"Alright, you've talked me into it!"

"Atta girl!"

Sally looked down at her wedding preparation list. "Although…I suppose all these wedding plans will go to waste."

"They don't have to. Maybe you can plan someone's wedding."

"Who? All my friends are either married, gay, or Jane."

"Hey!"

"Except you." Sally's eyes lit up. "Except you!"

Susan became a little scared. "Sally?"

"I'll plan your wedding!"

"No!"

"What? Why not? I know you and Steve; I know your likes, your dislikes, your tastes in things, and you would only have to pay everyone but me!"

"But Sally-"

"Besides, people love you. You've got more friends, you still talk to your family, and you're still civil with most of your exes- all of them approve of you with Steve. They'd all want to be invited to your wedding. You would have to make it a big wedding to accommodate everyone."

"Sally-"

"And if you say no not only will I go ahead with my own dream wedding but you won't be my bridesmaid."

"That's not fair!"

"Susan please, I'm making a lot of sacrifices; planning your wedding is something that will make me…I mean both of us happy. If I can't get married the way I want to, let me at least help you get married the way you want to. Please! Please! Please! Please! Please!"

"Oh…" Susan fidgeted a bit before officially telling her, "fine!"

"Oh Susan, thank you!" Sally flung her arms around Susan. "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!"

"Please don't make me regret this. Now can we please get back to planning Joshua's birthday?"

"I'm visualizing a spring wedding. And we can't have you wearing the white dress now can we? And naturally, I'm going to be a bridesmaid so I'm going to have to find the perfect color scheme to go with your off white dress."

With a moan, Susan put her hand to her forehead and closed her eyes realizing what she got herself into. "Bollocks." Midway through Sally's one-sided conversation, Susan stood up.

"Where are you going?"

"I suddenly need a drink," Susan went into the kitchen where Steve sat at the table eating some junk food and reading a magazine.

"Hello darling," he greeted her as he kept his eyes on the magazine.

"Hello dear," Susan got herself a glass, the wine, and started pouring the wine into the glass. It was all in silence until she asked, "Steve, you love me right?"

"Right."

"And we are going to get married at some point?"

Steve looked up at her with his eyebrows raised in confusion. "At some point, yes."

"And we can never stay mad at each other for too long can we?"

"Susan, what did you do?"

"Well…"

In the living area, Sally was blissfully making adjustments on her list when Steve's cry of, "YOU DID WHAT!?" rang throughout the flat.

Hence a mutual(ish) decision being made.

And while it took some time for Steve to come to terms with what the girls had agreed upon, the decision didn't faze Patrick a bit. When Sally told him later that day how everything was going to be he simply shrugged and said, "Sounds easy enough. You know I don't care about the planning and girly junk; just so long as it makes you happy."

"Aww," Sally swooned, "you're so sexy when you care."

Patrick flashed her a seductive look. "Sexy, you say?"

Needless to say what happened afterwards- on the sofa because they couldn't contain themselves long enough to make it to the bedroom- made Patrick happy as well.

…

Granted Patrick and Sally's wedding wasn't an extravagant affair, but it was still pretty special. And much to everyone's surprise, nothing remotely embarrassing happened. No, seriously, nothing remotely blush or cringe worthy happened. Thanks to Patrick (yes, Patrick) they were able to get a banquet hall for a New Year's Wedding without paying a dime- provided they supply their own food and they clean up any mess. The owner of the hall owed Patrick a favor for some mysterious reason. The girls and Oliver spent their New Year's Eve cooking the food (and Oliver was surprisingly a fantastic cook). Sally spent the night at Steve and Susan's, Patrick stayed at his flat, and as for Jeff, he didn't watch porn that night convinced that it would ensure he wouldn't do anything embarrassing- so he spent half the night playing video games instead.

"I didn't watch porn last night," Jeff greeted Steve the following morning.

Okay, maybe that was slightly cringe-worthy on Steve's part. "Hello to you too, Jeff."

The purpose of Jeff meeting with Steve in the morning was so the two of them, and Oliver, would load their cars with food and deliver it to the banquet hall. Jane joined them at the hall a little while later to make sure everything was set up and help with any last minute decorating. Most of the miscellaneous guests (that Patrick hadn't slept with) and even the priest began arriving at eleven with the groom himself arriving around ten-thirty contrived to mingle and receive congratulations (in addition to the ever popular "I can't believe _the_ Patrick Maitland is getting married").

Susan, on the other hand, was responsible for assisting the bride and the ring bearer. While Sally was in the shower, Susan spent thirty minutes training Joshua to be on his best behavior. The thirteen month old was currently going through the 'throwing phase' where he threw something and expected someone else to get it for him. Unfortunately, Joshua made sure whatever was in his grasp was thrown directly at Patrick whenever Patrick was around (having still not liked him for whatever reason). But Joshua was a smart baby; he was understanding some gestures and the word 'no'.

"Joshua," Susan pretended like she was throwing, "no throw," she repeated those words with the throwing gesture and a disapproving look until Sally came out of the shower ready to be made over. This process of hair, makeup, and changing into the dress took a good two hours and five minutes- which was record finishing time for Sally.

Susan had helped Sally with hair and some makeup before working on her look- an elegant ponytail and a small amount of makeup. Once she finished, she dressed Joshua in a suit and gelled his hair. When she finished, she laughed with delight. "Don't you look handsome?"

"No tow," Joshua did the throwing gesture after he spoke. Not too long ago he had started talking and most words he said were gibberish baby babble but sometimes he tried to form complete statements such as 'no throw'.

"That's right," Susan gave her son a kiss. "Come on, let's make sure Aunt Sally isn't having a breakdown," She carried her son to her closed room. "Sally," she tapped on the door, "Sally, are you decent enough?"

"Oh good, come in," following Sally's reply, Susan opened the door. Sally stood in the center of the room smoothing out her long, sleeveless, off-white dress and then pushing some strands of hair back. "I don't look too fat in this do I?"

Susan began tearing up. "Oh Sally," by this point the tears were coming down, "you look so beautiful."

"Susan, don't cry."

"Sorry," Susan wiped away her tears and regained focus. "I really shouldn't cry; don't want to get you crying too."

"I'm not going to cry. I just don't want you to ruin your mascara," they shared a laugh for some reason. "So you do like the dress?"

"Sally I love it, and Patrick will too."

Sally scoffed. "Please, I know Patrick. He prefers me without any clothes on."

Susan laughed. "Come on, let's get going."

In grand wedding tradition, Susan acted as the chauffer driving the bride and ring bearer to the wedding. Nearing the hall, she phoned Steve and told him to get everything ready. Steve had to tell everyone to take their seats, tell Jane to wait outside for Susan, tell Oliver to be on standby, and tell Patrick and Jeff wait at the "altar", and then run outside to meet up with Susan. In addition to being a sort of "co-organizer", it was Steve's job to carry the ring bearer down the "aisle". He and Jane stood there by the front doors as Susan got Joshua out of his car seat and brought her son over to his father.

"Da!" Joshua yelled when he saw his father.

It was moments like that that caused Steve's heart to melt and his face break into a goofy grin. "Hello you," he happily took his son and gave him a kiss and a hug. "Don't you look handsome?" Susan cleared her throat. "Hello Susan." Susan raised one eyebrow to him and Steve realized what needed to be added. "My, you look lovely."

Susan rolled her eyes and kissed her fiancée. "Everything all set?"

"Yep, just ready to get started."

"Right, tell Oliver we're ready to start; he'll tell Patrick, Jeff, the priest, and the portable keyboard player before meeting you back outside the room's double doors. Once the music starts he'll open the door, and you walk Joshua down the aisle like we rehearsed. Are Tamsin and Fiona here?" Fiona was Tamsin's daughter and the wedding's flower girl.

"They just arrived before you did."

"Where are they now?"

"It was the weirdest thing; Tamsin's daughter had melty brown stuff over her arm and Tamsin carried her into the loo to wash it off. I'm not sure if the melty brown stuff was chocolate or…well Tamsin's still cleaning whatever it is off."

"Then you'll have to wait for them because they walk behind you and Josh. Jane," Jane was staring at her nails. "Jane!" Jane still stared at her nails. "Oh my god, there's that gorgeous pizza delivery man."

This got Jane's attention. "Where?" She then pouted when she couldn't find him. "Bugger!"

"Focus please," Jane turned to Susan, "you pair up with Oliver and follow Tamsin and Fiona down the aisle, then I follow you, the music changes, and Sally comes down the aisle, we deal with the ceremony, have the reception, and go home."

"Oh I won't be going home."

"I don't care. Do you understand what you're supposed to do here?" Jane nodded. "Fine, good, go inside, I'll get Sally." Susan waited for the others to go inside before escorting Sally out of the car. "You ready?" Sally nodded. "Then come on; go and beat me to the altar."

And there wasn't really much else to it. Both bride and groom didn't back down last minute (and nearly all of Patrick's friends lost their bets) and got married. They kept the ceremony short and sweet and then proceeded to the reception, which seemed to go as expected; Oliver tried (and failed) to flirt with the women, Jane snuck off for a couple of quickies with Jeff and a couple of Patrick's other friends, Sally spent most of the party wishing for wine or champagne, Steve asked Susan to dance a few times, Jeff tried not to picture everyone naked having regretted his decision not to watch a porno, and Patrick…well, no one was really sure what went on with Patrick.

"What do you think Patrick's thinking about?" Steve asked Jeff as they stood in front of the refreshment table.

"Breasts," Jeff bluntly answered.

"No Jeff, that's what _you're_ thinking of."

"I won't deny that. But Patrick is thinking of getting out of here, taking Sally back to their flat, and getting her naked so he can see her breasts."

Steve shrugged. "Sounds plausible."

"I mean her breasts essentially belong to him now; he's the only man who has access to them whenever he likes." Jeff's eyes widened. "I really should start thinking about getting married now." Jeff's jaw dropped in another thought. "Then I should get her pregnant."

"Excuse you?"

"It's not so much for a baby- though that's cool too- but it's for the suddenly enlarged breasts."

"Can we ever go a day without you mentioning breasts?"

"And don't get me started on the breastfeeding!"

"No."

"Hello gents," Patrick went over to his friends.

"Well, well if it isn't Mr. Sally Harper," Patrick playfully swatted at him. "But seriously, congratulations."

Jeff poured himself a drink. "Yeah, congratulations you lucky bastard."

"Let it go, Jeff."

"Let what go?" Patrick inquired.

"Don't mind him, it's a breast thing."

"Oh, so you noticed Sally's breasts?"

"Can we move onto another topic please?"

"Like what?"

"Something that doesn't involve your wife's breasts."

"Feels weird using that word in regards to Patrick," Jeff tested how that phrase sounded. "Sally is Patrick's _wife_. That's gonna take some time to get used to"

"Well she is his wife now."

"Yeah, and she's also having his baby. Betcha never thought that would ever happen, hey Patrick?" Jeff noticed Patrick wasn't paying attention. "Patrick!"

"Huh?" Patrick was brought back to reality. "Oh sorry, were you talking to me?"

Steve looked at what Patrick was staring at and became disgusted. "Were you looking at another woman's breasts?"

"Before I say anything that will either confirm or deny it, yes I was looking at that woman's breasts. Dammit!"

"And on your wedding day too," Jeff added. "Excellent."

"So I looked at another woman's breasts? I'm a bloke, it's automatic. And you're one to talk Steve. You're in a committed relationship with Susan and I see you taking a gander at other women sometimes."

Steve tried to find a way to weasel his way out of that. "Well…I'm a bloke, it's automatic."

"It's a habit. Habits are hard to break sometimes."

"Hello boys," Susan inserted herself in between them so that she could help herself to a drink. "Indulging in a little guy talk?"

"Hello Susan, helping yourself to _another_ glass of champagne?"

"Helping organizing this wedding and mingling with people is exhausting. I need something to take the edge off. Congratulations again Patrick."

"Thank you Susan."

"And I know it's not my place to decide what you should do, but you should go talk to Sally. I think she's heading for another mini anxiety attack."

"Why?"

"She's convinced she saw you looking at another woman's breasts."

Okay, so maybe there was one little incident that Patrick couldn't lie his way out of. Surprisingly, Sally was okay with him admitting it. As long as he was honest about it, she would let it slide. Hell, Sally even admitted she was looking at that women's breasts too (the girl was busty, wearing a low cut dress, and wasn't wearing a bra, it was hard to avoid).

And for Patrick, Sally's confession was a major turn on.

They kept the party going for another half hour or so before Sally shoved her bouquet at Susan and left with her husband to their flat. Like a good husband he carried her over the threshold despite her condition. So to make it up to him, Sally decided to give him a nice backrub. It felt better doing nice things for one another for sex now that they were married. And in all honesty it made the sex better too.

So far Patrick and Sally seemed to be enjoying married life.

…

Sally rolled over to her side of the bed around two in the morning on January 2nd. "Wow."

"Yeah," Patrick agreed. "Wanna go again?" Sally playfully slapped him. "What, I'm serious?"

"Well I'm tired. I don't have enough energy for another go. Besides, it's past two in the morning."

"So?"

"So you've got work and I've got a doctor's appointment later."

"I probably should have scheduled the day off…maybe the whole week. I am sort of on my honeymoon after all." Patrick turned his head toward Sally. "You want me to take off and go with you to your thing?"

"No, Susan and Jane are coming with me."

"Jane's going?"

"She's fascinated by the ultrasound process…or the ultrasound technician I'm still not sure. Susan said she wanted to be there for me but I think she wants to find out the sex."

"Of the ultrasound technician?"

Sally couldn't help but laugh at that. "No, of the baby."

"Our baby?" Sally nodded. "They can do that?" Sally nodded again. "Should we find out?"

"I think we should. Susan told me she regretted not finding out. By finding out the sex we can be better prepared and I can start on the baby's wardrobe. And we can start planning names. You and I both don't like being surprised either. So I don't see any reason why we shouldn't find out." Sally gave him a quick kiss. "Good night, Darling."

There was silence for a few moments before Patrick broke it. "Well, alright, if that's what you want."

"What I want is to go to sleep. Patrick, Darling, I love you, but will you please shut up?"

"I love you too." Sally covered her face with her pillow and groaned.

…

Somehow, another office pool had been e-mailed to Patrick. Given the topic was 'How Long will Patrick's Marriage Last' it was most likely not supposed to go to him.

One of his female coworkers saw him look over it. "That one right there," she pointed to 'until she kills him for sleeping around', "that was Ian Schuler if you want to kick his ass."

Patrick let out a small laugh before greeting his co-worker. "Hello Lesley."

"Laura."

"Laura?"

"I've been working here as long as you have and we've slept together twice."

"Oh…did you do something to your hair?"

Laura rolled her eyes. "For what it's worth, me and a couple of other girls around the office think your marriage will last."

"Thanks."

"I mean most guys didn't put the baby into consideration. Most relationships last longer when there's a kid involved." Patrick shrugged. "Oh, I got you something," Laura handed him a gift bag. "A sort of consolation for me not being able to go to your wedding."

Patrick took the gift out of the bag and looked over it. "A photo frame?"

"There's another one in there; it was a matching set."

"Um…thanks."

"It's for your desk."

"But there's no photo in it."

Laura laughed. "You're supposed to supply the photo. You know how most people have photos of their loved ones at their desk?" Patrick shrugged again. "Well I thought you'd like to put up a picture of Sally and the baby."

"Well that's very thoughtful of you Lizzie…"

"Laura."

"…thank you."

"So?"

Patrick looked around in confusion. "So what?"

"Do you know what you're having?"

"A baby?" Patrick was confused.

"The sex, Patrick!"

Patrick held up his left hand and pointed the band of gold around his finger. "Sorry, I'm married."

Laura growled in annoyance. "Do you know the sex of your baby? Are you having a boy or a girl?"

"Oh that makes more sense. I was wondering why you would want to have sex; I mean we're both married and-"

"Do you know your baby's gender or not?"

"No, not yet."

"If you do find out let us know alright; the girls and I would like to buy gifts."

"Yeah, that'd be great, thanks."

"Better get back to work then?" Patrick nodded. "And congratulations; out of all the women you've been with I'm glad you ended up with Sally."

"And your husband is a lucky man too Lucy."

Laura sighed; there was really no point to correcting him now, or ever. "See you round Patrick."

Patrick smiled "Lovely woman." He then picked up the transparent model race car on his desk and drove it up the wall all the while making car noises. "Go! Go! Go!"

…

"Can I have this?" Jeff asked Oliver as he held up an action figure for Marge Simpson.

Oliver raised an eyebrow to him. "You're not going to use her for anything sexual are you?" Jeff set the action figure back down. "Oh, go ahead," Oliver allowed. "I was so desperate one time that I stole my sister's favorite Snow White Barbie Doll. She busted me, naturally."

Jeff picked the action figure up again. "Yeah?"

"Don't know what happened to that doll afterwards but the next day my sister threw away all of her Barbie clothes…and dolls. Actually, now I think I know what happened to that Snow White Barbie Doll."

"I don't know why they say it's not natural for men to be attracted to the Disney princesses. I mean, sometimes they are based off of real, attractive people."

"Exactly! Did you know that Sleeping Beauty's willowy body shape was based off of Audrey Hepburn?"

"Really?"

"Yeah, and Ariel from _The __Little Mermaid_, remember her?"

Jeff did a sly laugh at that. "How could I forget Ariel?"

"Well part of her design was based off of Alyssa Milano from _Who's the Boss _and _Charmed_. Which reminds me, I gotta put in a bid for some _Charmed_ DVDs. It's airing its final season in the states right now."

"Yeah, it's like we're perverts for being attracted to cartoon characters. We can't help that the Disney princesses are very attractive. Their princes fall in love with them for their beauty after all. It's only natural for regular blokes like us to be attracted. Though you could argue it's perverted because the princesses are all like sixteen."

"Anyway, when it comes to hot, animated females only one sticks out for me. And I guarantee she is not a Disney princess"

Jeff not only did that sly laugh, but he nodded as well. "Oh yeah."

"Jessica Rabbit," the two agreed together.

"Perfect amalgamation of some of the best classic actresses," Oliver stated with utmost enthusiasm. "You got Rita Hayworth, Veronica Lake, Betty Grable, Lauren Bacall, maybe with a hint of Mae West and Marilyn Monroe combined to make one of the hottest silver screen females."

"You know, I never paid attention to the movie unless Jessica was on." Jeff paused. "How does a bloke like Roger bag a girl like that anyway?"

"Jessica loves him because he 'makes her laugh'," Oliver sarcastically emphasized that last part. "Total bull shit if you ask me."

"We make women laugh and we don't have girls like Jessica Rabbit."

"Yeah, but we make women laugh for the wrong reasons."

"What are we doing wrong?"

"Well, we're socially awkward nerds obsessed with sex who always say the wrong things. What aren't we doing wrong?"

"You think they have places for guys like us to go to so that we can meet women who might find us attractive?"

"Why do you think I opened a comic book shop?"

"Good point."

"But so far the only women who've came into this shop are with their boyfriends, husbands, sons, or female partner. I mean, it's not like the perfect single woman is going to walk through this door any time soon."

Almost instantly after that last word was uttered, Jeff and Oliver turned their attention to the door.

…

"Ugh, no," Sally crinkled her face in disgust before hurling another video tape- this one labeled 'Ursula'- into a giant black garbage bag with other video tapes labeled with other various female names.

An impatient Susan stood outside Patrick's cupboard with an equally impatient Jane nearby. "Sally, are you almost done? We do have our own lives you know."

"And Susan and I have already carried ten bags to the dump already," Jane added.

Sally threw in the last of the videos and stood up. "Now it's twelve bags." The women surveyed the cupboard with the practically bare shelves (save for a few _actual_ videos). "And this marks the end of the Cupboard of Patrick's Love. Thanks again for taking these to the dump for me."

"No problem," Susan picked up one of the bags. "See you tomorrow."

Jane picked up the final bag. "Bye Sally," she followed Susan to the door just as Patrick entered his flat. "Bye Patrick."

Patrick shrugged this off as he shut his door. "Sally, I'm home!" he made his way into the living where Sally was now sitting on the sofa. "I figured you'd be home too when I passed Susan and Jane on the way out."

Sally patted the empty seat beside her. "Come sit down so we can talk."

"I didn't sleep with her!"

"What?"

"Sorry, habit." Patrick took a seat beside Sally. "What's up?"

"The girls and I went shopping today."

"When you say 'the girls'-"

"Of course I mean Susan and Jane."

"Right, it's just when I hear 'girls' I tend to think of your-"

"Anyway," she picked up a bag that was sitting on the side of the sofa, "Jane wanted to go to an erotic store. So we did, and this little number caught my eye. I couldn't help myself and I made a naughty purchase." She stood up and emptied the bag. Sally threw the bag aside and modeled her purchase for her husband. "You like?"

"Wow."

"I'll take that as a yes," Sally threw the lingerie at him. "I'm surprised they even made maternity lingerie."

"Kudos to whoever came up with that idea."

"I got some other things to show you too." Patrick did a seductive chuckle and Sally rolled her eyes at that. "No, nothing like that; but I think you're going to like it."

"Are you sure you went shopping?"

"Why did you ask that?"

"Because I hardly see any shopping bags. Usually when you go shopping with Susan and Jane you come back with at least a dozen shopping bags."

"We only went to a couple stores. I would have gone to more but there was something I wanted to do here and I was getting sore."

"You did go to the doctor like you were supposed to?"

"Yes, that was the first place we went." Sally reached into another bag, pulled out an envelope, and handed it to Patrick.

"You bought an envelope?" He opened it. "Did you know there's something inside it already?"

"Yes, I did Patrick."

A realization hit Patrick. "Oh, this envelope is for me."

"Yes, it is Patrick and yes, I want you to look at what's inside." Sally watched with anticipation as Patrick took out what was inside the envelope. She bit her lip in excitement as he looked it over. "Well?"

"What's this big, gray blob?" he pointed.

"That big, gray blob is our daughter."

"No kidding?" Patrick continued to stare at the ultrasound photo. His eyes suddenly widened as he realized what Sally said. "Daughter?" Sally nodded her head in excitement. He tilted the picture around to try and look. "How the bloody hell can you tell?" He kept tilting the picture with a look of confusion.

"Stop trying to figure out or you'll tire yourself. Aren't you excited?"

"Well yeah, but I'd like to be able to see my own kid properly."

"Aww," Sally swooned.

"What?"

"You sound like a father already," she gave him a kiss before getting up. "Well, I'm going to go change into something more _comfortable_," she took the lingerie that rested on his lap and went into their bedroom.

Patrick tilted both the picture and his head. "Seriously, how do they know it's even human?"

"Are you coming?" Sally called to him from the bedroom.

"Coming," he quickly set the photo back in the envelope on the coffee table and hurried into the bedroom while taking off his clothes at the same time. Once he was down to his boxers, he laid on the bed. "Ready!" Sally pulled back the bathroom curtains to reveal herself in the maternity lingerie. "Wow," Patrick said in awe.

Sally seductively made her way over to the bed. "Come on Rocketman; fly me to the moon."

…

_The Next Day_

"Alright," Steve took his usual seat at the bar where Patrick was waiting, "what's the emergency?"

"I can't have sex with my wife," Patrick told him.

Steve blinked in surprise. "I'm sorry; you're willingly denying sex with Sally? You're willingly denying _sex_?" He leaned back in his seat. "The world is going mad."

"It's not that I don't want to- believe me, I do- it's just that I can't. And not just with Sally, I don't think I can have sex with any women anymore."

Steve turned his head expecting Jeff to say something, but surprisingly Jeff wasn't there. "I'm surprised Jeff isn't here for this."

"What do I do?"

"Wh—wha…this is a huge bombshell. What brought this on?"

"I don't know if you realize Steve, but I'm going to be a father."

Steve twisted his face in confusion. "I'm pretty sure we're aware of that by this point."

"I'm going to be a father to a little girl."

"Now that I didn't know; congratulations Patrick."

"No, don't congratulate me! I'm going to have a daughter."

"What, you wanted a son?"

"I had actually forgotten we could find out what we were having before the delivery. Last night Sally tells me it's a girl, gives me an ultrasound photo, and then changes into some sexy maternity lingerie."

"Okay, that took a sort of unexpected turn."

"Midway through the sex- and before we get to the excellent stuff- Sally suddenly yells 'oh my God' and pulls away with her hand on her middle. I ask her what's wrong, she grabs my hand, puts it on her stomach, and suddenly I feel this weird bump against my palm."

"You mean it kicked?"

"My daughter kicked me! She's actually alive in there."

"Well yeah, of course she's alive in there!"

"And then it dawns on me what Sally and I are doing."

"Need I remind you what Sally and you were doing conceived your daughter in the first place. And you've had sex with a pregnant woman before!"

"Yes, but that woman wasn't having my baby! And that baby didn't suddenly become active while we were having sex."

"Alright, that's understandable. So what happened after your baby kicked?"

"I thought one of the worst thoughts you can think of."

"What?"

"What if my baby can see my…" Patrick fidgeted in his chair, "…you know," he pointed to his crotch.

"Oh God!"

"I also remembered Sally and I had done it before while she was pregnant. Then I wonder if the baby already saw it when we had sex before. Or worse; what if my penis touched the baby?"

"Patrick-"

"Something like that could traumatize a kid! It could come out psychologically damaged for all I know."

"But you don't know!"

"This somehow got me thinking about all the women I've slept with. Steve, all those women were someone's daughter!"

"Every woman is someone's daughter!"

"Yeah, and imagine how all their father's feel knowing their daughter is banging someone like me. I mean, that could happen to me; I could be that father!" Patrick's face became one of sheer terror.

"See, this is why you don't think!"

…

Susan choked on her drink. "He did what?"

"Patrick refused sex!" Sally, meanwhile, repeated what she had just told Susan. "I asked him why and he said it's already crowded inside!"

"Oh my God!"

"Then he rolled over and pretended to sleep, fake snoring included. I suggested we try again tomorrow and he said that wouldn't be a good idea."

"_Patrick_ refused sex?"

"Did I do something wrong? I put on the sexy lingerie, I made the first move…he likes it when I do those things. Did he want me naked?"

"I think it might have something to do with the baby."

Sally's face fell. "Oh God, he thinks I'm hideous. He doesn't want to do it with me now that I have a mummy tummy."

"I didn't mean it like that. I meant Patrick's paternal instinct is starting to kick in and he's afraid to do something that could hurt the baby."

"That's…that's so sweet. Now I just have to convince him to have sex with me."

"Sally!"

"It's a major turn on when he cares about things. It makes him sexy."

"I suppose it is kind of cute when he cares about things."

"Maybe you could convince him to-"

"Please don't involve me in your and Patrick's sex life."

…

"So I've got something major to tell you," Jane was talking over the phone, "Patrick Maitland doesn't want to have sex," Jane shrieked with laughter. "I know right! See, I think it's finally set in that he's going to be a father to a little girl and it's coming full circle. I've noticed that when a womanizing man like Patrick gets a woman pregnant, the first baby is usually a girl. It gets them to suddenly think that every woman he's ever been with could be that baby girl he's holding and he decides to become a better person. I love stories like that. It's kinda strange that now Patrick will think of me as another man's daughter and not as a former sexual partner. But it's cute when he cares. Oh, and Patrick caring is getting his wife Sally really horny. Only problem is now he doesn't even want to touch her. What do you think she should do about that?"

"_Um…will your order be for pickup or delivery?"_ the person on the other end inquired.

"Delivery; that way we can continue this conversation in person."

…

Sally came back to the flat to discover Patrick was already there. "Hello, Patrick."

"Sally," he greeted back.

"I was wondering if we could talk."

"About?"

"About what happened last night."

"But first," Patrick opened his cupboard, "I'd like an explanation please."

"I...I cleaned."

"Were my tapes in those black bags Susan and Jane were carrying out?"

"Yes, I emptied out your cupboard," Sally tried not to get too upset. "Please don't be angry with me."

Patrick closed the cupboard and sat on the sofa. "Actually I wanted to thank you."

"Thank me?"

"Saved me the trouble of cleaning it out myself."

"You…you were…but…but…why?"

"Too much to tape over; it's not like I was going to watch any of those tapes again. Might as well see if Jeff wants 'em."

"I actually threw them away."

"That's probably a better idea. If Jeff got a hold of them we might not see him for months."

Sally giggled at that before getting serious again. "So can we talk about last night now?"

"Yeah, sorry I kinda freaked there."

"I can understand why. But you're not the only one who's scared you know."

"I know. I just didn't think I would be scared before the baby's born."

"And I guess I should have asked if you wanted to know the sex beforehand. I guess that might have been a factor."

"Then you stop sex and made me feel the baby kick."

"That was the first time she did that. You were there; I wanted you to feel it!"

"But it was during sex!"

"Oh yeah, like I expected the baby to finally start being active during sex!"

"But it scared me."

"Why?"

"Because…because I thought that maybe I was hurting her. Or that maybe she could see my…you know."

"Aww, you're so sexy when you care."

"Please stop trying to turn me on. I've made up my mind; I can't have sex with you until after the baby's born."

"Well, I can easily change your mind."

"Sally, please!"

Sally pulled a small book out of her purse. "I think you need to read this."

"_Pregnancy and Sex_?"

"Susan lent it to me."

"Doesn't look that long."

"It's not, I already read it. It says that it's okay to have an active sex life during pregnancy and goes over the things we can and can't do."

"So we can still have sex?" Sally nodded. "And I won't hurt you or the baby?" Sally shook her head. "And you're sure the baby won't be able to see my-"

"I'm sure Patrick."

Patrick cocked his head. "Never thought I'd be interested in reading a book."

"That's my Patrick!" Sally gave him a quick kiss. "Now you do some reading, and I'll slip into something more comfortable."

"One more thing," Sally turned around as Patrick pulled some folded up paper out of his pocket. "Why did you make a list of the women I've slept with?"

"Those aren't all the women you've slept with. Just the women with names I fancy."

"Why'd you write them down?"

"To make sure our daughter doesn't end up with one of those names."

Patrick looked at the list. "Damn, some of these are good names…some of these names are also good in bed."

Sally went back to the sofa, picked up one of the cushions, and proceeded to hit her husband with it. "All of those names were somebody's daughter." Immediately, Patrick threw the list of women's name down. Sally laughed as she wrapped her arms around him. "You are going to make an excellent father."

"You think so?"

"Oh, definitely, I think you've already proven that." She left a lingering kiss on his neck before abruptly pulling away. "Now read!"

"Yes, _Mum_."

Sally playfully swatted at him and headed to the bedroom. "The first sentence will answer your question!" she called to him.

Patrick opened the book and read the first sentence aloud, "_To answer the question for any first time fathers; no. Putting it simply: having sex with your pregnant wife will not put another baby in her belly_." He tilted his head to the side and nodded. "Good to know."

…

"No, no," Steve took his cell phone out of his son's mouth. "No…" Steve didn't know what to say so he demonstrated what not to do by sticking his phone in his mouth and quickly spitting it out. "God, that tastes nasty."

"Hey Steve," Susan went over to him, "I haven't heard from Jeff or Oliver in a while."

"Strangely enough, neither have I."

"What do you think they're up to?"

…

Jeff took the last slice of pizza in the third box as he and Oliver kept watching Hellmouth's entrance door. "Too bad the pizza was delivered by a bloke."

"Yeah."

"How long have we been doing this now?"

Oliver looked at his wristwatch. "Nearly a whole day."

"I don't think our any perfect single woman is coming."

Oliver threw the empty pizza box aside with the other empty pizza boxes. "Well this was a complete waste of time."

"Yeah, I'm gonna go take a shower."

"I'm gonna get some sleep."

"So…we do this again tomorrow?"

"Definitely."

* * *

**I wanted to end it on a humorous note like I so often try to do. That's why I cooked up that Jeff/Oliver subplot (and like I said in my beginning note part of it was for transitional purposes too). That little part with Jane on the phone with a random pizza deliverer was also a last minute addition. I knew for sure I wanted to put in that second plot with Patrick, but I suddenly got another idea so I included Patrick and Sally's wedding in here too. So I found a way to combine both plots. I left the wedding kinda vague because honestly I had no idea what to have them say, or how things should look so I put in a few details and left everything up to the reader's imagination (I do that sometimes).**

**And you're welcome by the way: I wasn't planning on spoiling the sex of Baby Maitland but character wise I think Sally's the type of person who not only wants to be prepared, but also likes to show up any competition. Susan didn't find out the sex of her baby while she was pregnant, why should Sally do the same? So again, I hope you like that I did that.**

**One more chapter to go!**

**Be honest, did you think I'd do the typical sitcom cliché where an expectant couple are going to get married, but the bride suddenly goes into labor? I can see how that would be expected in something like this.**


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